Hello my dear readers. It’s me again, just checking in on you. How are you? Times are tough. I hope you are taking care of yourselves. If you have read the previous edition of Mann ki Blog (#6) and by chance if you remember what I said at the end, I have to apologise because I will not be sharing my million dollar app ideas today. That will have to wait because there are more important things that I have to address here.
For those of you who do not know me personally, let me just say that I am not known to be a very friendly person. Some have even called me silent and brooding. But that is not true my dear readers. I only appear like that because I do most of the talking in my head and spend significant amounts of time judging others and then analysing that judgement. That is what I want to talk today my dear readers. But before I go any further, this edition of Mann ki Blog has some references to flatulence and releasing of intestinal gases. So if you are someone who is repulsed by such things, please stop now and go back to whatever non repulsive things that you are doing/watching on the internet.
Aah, so you decided to stay. Great!
It all began last weekend when I was at the mall. More precisely, when I was in the washroom at the mall. Just to clarify, I did not go to the mall for going to the washroom but that could very well be a reason to go to these malls. Because they have fancy washrooms. So, when I was in the washroom washing my hands after taking a leak, an elderly gentleman stepped in and walked to a stall near the corner. He seemed to be around 50 years of age. He kind of resembled Ravi Shastri. We did not exchange any glances but we both were aware of the presence of the other. Then, without a slight hint, he farted! It wasn’t anything worthwhile. Just a casual fart. If that fart was a birthday greeting, it wasn’t an Archies or Hallmark card. It was simple ‘HBD bro’ message on WhatsApp.
Before going any further, let me just say my dear readers – When I started this blog more than a decade ago, I never thought that one day I would be describing a stranger’s fart to you all. Life is really strange. Anything can happen.
Anyway, after the Ravi Shastri looking uncle let go of his bottom burp, for a brief second there was absolute silence. Like how you must be feeling after reading this, I was absolutely disgusted. I waved my hand in front of the tap sensor so that the water would start again but it did not. More silence. He then came silently towards the taps, washed his hands and left. I was left there stunned. Stunned not at the uninhibited manner in which he baked the air biscuit, but at my own self. Why was I so disgusted? Why did I react like that instinctively? As the stinker cleared from the room, so did the clouds in my head. My whole perspective on life began to change my dear readers. I began to think clearly.
I began to de-construct my thought process and simultaneously put my self in his shoes. First thing I realised – he was apparently holding it in for quite some time. He managed to hold it in until he reached the washroom. That was indeed heroic. It was Martin Luther King Jr. who said: “The time is always right to do what is right.” (At least according to brainyquote.com, that is what he said) The Ravi Shastri looking uncle did the right thing. My disgust instantly turned into respect.
Had he farted inside some restaurant, or a book store, or in a shoe store or even a saloon, that is a different story. But he was kind enough, generous enough and considerate enough to hold it in until he was in the washroom. Even then I had the nerve to judge the man. I felt ashamed. Ravi Shastri uncle must have worked hard in his life, raised a family, paid taxes and still got screwed by his boss, his family and life in general. Shouldn’t he at least fart in peace in the washroom without being judged by assholes like me? Of course he can. He is worthy of it. He earned it. That little fart is a call for freedom and a tribute to mankind.
The world needs to change my dear readers and I decided to start by changing myself. But like our PM says, he cannot change the country all by himself. He needs the support of each and every one us. In the same way, I need everyone’s support. Everyone should come together and support the cause: #StopFartShaming.
You know what is amazing my dear readers. By Divine intervention, the climate seems to be ripe for this campaign. People are already mandated to wear masks everywhere. This is a blessing in disguise. What better time to slowly transition into a world where Ravi Shastri can fart in the washrooms as and when he wishes without the fear of being judged. The next time I hear someone fart in the washroom, I will take a moment to show the man some respect. I might even salute the guy. Hell, I might even fart back to display my approbation.
Moving on from Ravi Shastri, I would like to share my thoughts on how this COVID-19 pandemic, accompanied by the lockdowns and restrictions exacerbated the divide in our society. The rich & the poor, pseudo-liberals and nationalists, Mukesh & Anil so on. The demarcation of the borders between groups have never been clearer my dear readers (Note: Not applicable to the LAC). However, these unforeseen challenges were turned into opportunities by certain groups, who were looked down upon until now, who showed the world what they are really made of.
In this context, I would like to take a minute and tip my hat to one group in particular which proved to be a ray of hope at a time when no one else was able to deliver. No my dear readers, I am not talking about the medical professionals or the sanitation workers. I am talking about a group that I call the perverted paparazzi.
Remember the world before COVID-19, when ordinary paparazzi used to flock the airports, gyms and other celebrity hangouts to take candid pictures of up and coming actresses? These paparazzi people were compared to vultures and rats, often accurately. However, after the onset of COVID-19, most of them went into the burrows because they had nothing to do. As the actresses began wearing masks and oversized sunglasses, even those ‘vultures’ who were out in the open failed to identify the true identity of the person behind the mask. It was at this juncture my dear readers that the perverted paparazzi entered the field, separating the men from the boys, or should I say, the perverted men from the normal men.
They are now objectifying identifying actresses left and right (also front and back) even though their faces are covered with masks, sunglasses, hats etc. Jealous rivals have even started a rumour that these perverted paparazzi are using some kind of an algorithm for this. But only God knows that it is just old school perversion. Remember how everyone looked down upon them when Deepika Padukone made a big hue and cry about tabloids sharing her cleavage photos. Now they are the only ones who are able to identify her, obviously not by her face. Not just her, they are able to accurately identify actresses like Ileana, Ayesha Takia, Urvashi Rautela while their entire faces were covered. I recently came to know of an actress called Anveshi Jain whom these people have identified while she was wearing a hijab. When people say “Talent knows no bounds” this is what they are talking about. Must respect.
That is all for now my dear readers. Before I end this edition of Mann ki Blog, I have to say that I am a little disappointed in myself. I promised to you that I will share app ideas but I could not. So I want to leave you with at least a decent business idea which I feel is definitely profitable. It will also encourage local manufacturing in consonance with PM’s new “Atmanirbhar Bharat Mission.”
Listen to my pitch. There is some study proving that COVID-19 could also be transmitted through air. This is possibly why we are made to wear a masks to cover the mouth and nose. But as you know, like Ravi Shastri had shown in the washroom, there are other places in the human body that would need proper covering. Therefore I present to you my dear readers, the idea for N95 underwears.
You are welcome.
The Cannibal 