Author: Sudhams Govathoti

Charles Darwin once said, or not, I am not sure, that it’s not the strongest, fastest or the sexiest that survives, but those who can handle change and can adapt to the changes that are happening around them. I remember a conversation I once had with an old girlfriend (now ex-) when she passive aggressively, asked me

“Why do people change?” clearly targeting me.

I genuinely thought about it for a while and answered, “Because they are people.”

While my answer made sense to me, it did not help sustain the relationship. For better or worse, now that I think of it, anything that is real can change. It’s not a bad thing though. We are here as human beings today, because we have been through so much and while we might not be aware of it, we are constantly undergoing several changes. The outcome of these changes may not have results that are clearly visible. Sometimes they take time to show themselves. Or sometimes, people like me spend their valuable time thinking and predicting the changes that are going to come very soon. Written below are ten of the possible evolutionary changes/advancements that are long overdue and will show up anytime now. Or let’s put it this way; these are some of the improvements I would like to see to make this silly ride a little more interesting.

• Farts that smell nice: Okay I know this is a gross way to start but this is something that is bound to happen soon. Farting is something we all do without exception but it still continues to be a social taboo. Imagine if it’s the same with coughing or sneezing? How embarrassing would it be if sneezes had the stink of farts. It is because of the lack of stink, sneezes get a “bless you” while farts get disgusting looks even in the washroom. Imagine a scenario where you enter a room with a dead rat and all you have to do is let out a good fart to freshen up the room.

“Wow…. What’s that great fragrance? Sudhams, did you just fart?”

Aaahh what a world would that be!!

• Several sex things: Talking about how the human body will change cannot be completed without mentioning sex. But let’s just keep those aside. Since I am the biggest pervert I know, several pleasant and even more not so pleasant thoughts came to my mind while writing this bit. But since the possibilities are too many and requirements being vigorously graphic, let’s leave this section here and try to get back some other time. We shall just focus on other simpler things.

• Self-cleaning teeth: One of the most boring things to do is brush our teeth every day. But it’s something we cannot ignore. It has to be done every morning because unlike Hollywood movies, we cannot just wake up in the morning get dressed and go to work. That’s disgusting. So as per my prediction, the body will develop some glands which produce enzymes that clean our teeth and by the time we wake up, our mouth is all fresh. Why didn’t this biologically happen already?

• Better audio system: The practical implications of this may not seem relevant to most but for people like me who use public transport often, this makes so much sense. I don’t know if earphones have become expensive or some people just want to watch the world burn but in almost all of my commutes, there will always be one guy playing his music out loud with zero regard to the tastes of the co passengers. At times like those, it would be better if I could just lower the volume of my hearing. If evolution has given fish, the ability to absorb the dissolved oxygen with the help of their gills, it is only fair we get this simple update.

• Dreams: It is pretty obvious that a major chunk of our life is spent on sleep. We just lay there most of the times we don’t even remember our dreams. Even if we do, we’ll forget in a couple of minutes. My doubt is, in the thousands of years of human evolution, since every person had their share of sleep (and thus, dreams) why did we not develop the ability to control what happens in our dreams? I mean, come on man!! Birds that nest on cliffs lay eggs that are slightly pointed at one end so that they will not roll down but stay there rolling in circles. If evolution can do that, why not this? There is lucid dreaming but its practical application is far from reality. Just imagine the possibilities man. Since I already said, there wouldn’t be any talk about sex, imagine the other possibilities man. If that is too much to hope for, we should at least get the ability to remember our dreams. That way we can at least remember and relive few of the wet dreams.

• Special organs for narcotics: No I am not talking about organs that can handle large doses of drugs to protect from Od-ing. I am talking about special organs that produce the drugs inside the body itself. All you have to do after going home after a stressful day at the work is to go sit on the couch, play some Lionel Richie songs and boom you’re high. On your own. How amazing would that be? Just like how the pancreas produces insulin to control the sugar levels in the blood, these glands will, at appropriate times, produce these high inducing chemicals to keep the mind happy and lets you chill. After all, that’s all we need right? To chill!!

• Zoom: The sense of vision is a beautiful one and filled with wonder. The science behind it is truly mind boggling and indeed goes on to prove how the human body is truly a master piece. I for one did not get a fair deal as I had to wear glasses from the age of 12. All that there is are some lenses, nerves and muscles. So it will not be long before the body naturally develops this adjustment facility. I am talking about real life transition from 240p to 1080p. And taking this a step further, just like how we can adjust the focus, how great would it be if we could also have the zoom system. The implications are too many. If only it could happen one day.

• Retractable finger nails: When I started to write this piece, I promised myself not to go into X-Men.

“No Sudhams, no retractable adamantium claws or sexy blue boobs.”

Then I had this itch on my back; and just yesterday I have cut my nails. I felt more helpless than Bruce Wayne in Bane’s prison. “Eww.. Disgusting.” My biology teacher used to say, looking at my fingers back in school before punishing me for growing nails. In fact I didn’t grow them on purpose, they grew on their own. I didn’t bother to cut them often. So why do they have to grow? And why do all the itches seem to come only after you cut your nails. Because of these reasons, it is clear that very soon, we will be developing retractable nails. This might also be a sex thing but like I said, we’ll leave that aside.

• Love: While I have mostly dealt with the physical aspects till now, let me talk about emotions as well. All the updates till now, I get how they didn’t happen already. But this, this I don’t understand. Why isn’t love a simple thing already? Considering the intensity of the feelings and the joy or pain that it causes, why aren’t humans already armed enough to handle love and all that comes with it? We still fumble, fail, recover, fail again and continue to struggle in finding love, keeping it and living with it. Why is it still such an enigma? Humans managed to understand sub-atomic particles, send things beyond our solar system but then why is love still what it is? Crazy and stupid. Come to think of it, have we already evolved? Is this how it is supposed to be? With love, will there ever be a point of feeling content? Since love is the greatest and the most beautiful thing that can happen, it perhaps is foolish to try and tame it, to quantify it or to control it. All the uncertainty and hurdles that come with it are perhaps the evolved way of experiencing love. Or with this sudden realization, did I just evolve a little bit? I don’t know.

Ok so that is it people, some of my predictions about the updates long overdue in humans. I am sure the requirements vary from person to person. There are many I missed out, like growing back limbs after amputation, better immunity, X-ray vision, automatic fat flushing system etc. Do share your views and who knows, one day we will be flying with our leather wings while synthesizing our own food from solar power. Whatever may happen, all we can be sure of is our pursuit of happiness and the best we can do is to keep this journey fun and interesting with love and peace.

To,

You know who you are,

I have a difficult life. Not a ‘difficult’ difficult, but difficult nonetheless. For example, I took a couple of books from my office library the other day and while I was singing, the librarian ma’am smiled and told me that I have selected excellent books and that I would really like them. Now since I have the attention span of a 5 year old human and a two month old puppy, I did not read the two books and watched old Telugu movies over the weekend. The problem now is, when I go back to return the books, she will no doubt ask me if I liked the books, for which I have no good reply to make me not look like an idiot. If I tell her the truth, she might assume that I was just being pretentious and if I lie and tell her that the books were really good, I would be insulting two great authors and their works. See, this is what I mean when I say my life is difficult.

“Where do I fit in all this?” You may ask and that is what I am here to explain. You see I go to office travelling around 30kms (total of about 60kms) every day. There are so many battles I have to fight on the way, usually on my way back from office, since I will be exhausted and therefore vulnerable to pain and angst; my own battles. Like most days, after my work was over, I got into the bus not before watching at least few hundred people spit on the road. What is it with those people? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to walk beside an open-windowed bus or car without the constant fear of being spat upon by some indecent jerks. They all seem so proud while they make disgusting patterns, often colourful, on the road using it as their canvas as if they knew they were making Pablo Picasso proud (and me puke.) I don’t know what’s wrong with these people I tell you. Anyway it is a daily ritual for me to stop myself from puking and take the ac buses more often mostly because their windows are closed. As if things were not difficult enough in my life, you came into it unannounced (actually it was announced. Sorry.)

Back in the bus, I sat listening to songs on my iPod, escaping from the world outside and a scarier world inside my mind. As anyone can agree, one does not pause an iPod for listening to a song on the radio unless it is an “Ilayaraaja” song. “Suvvi suvvi suvvalamma” song was playing and so, like any sane person would, I paused and began to listen. And it was when the song ended, I heard your voice. Well, to be accurate it was first the radio jockey, who was named Rim-Jim Ria or Fatafat Jayalakshmi or Chalaki Chaitra or something else on similar lines I don’t remember. But then it was you, the caller. I don’t even know what you do for a living. May be make calls to these radio stations. That would be a good job. Please send me an application via email if it is indeed what you do. Anyway, I began to listen as the RJ, whatever her name is, announced that it was SPBs birthday and that you were the first caller to her show. Since Sripathi Panditaradhyula Balasubrahmanyam is the greatest singer to ever walk on this planet, (perhaps the universe) I switched off my iPod and began to pay attention.

You see, before going any further, let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am a man, or a boy of very simple thoughts. I like good food; I listen to music and make my living by working in a public sector bank. However if life is all about fighting battles, I have a thing about getting confused while choosing my battles. I get extremely annoyed if people talk loudly in public places, but I don’t feel disturbed after reading about government inefficiencies or charges of murder against political leaders. I remember who gave me my first erection (I will not be revealing it) but cannot recognize half the people in my Facebook friends list. I cannot empathise with suffering children in India but will begin to contemplate causing fatal injuries to security guards who show unnecessary authority when I try to park my vehicle outside supermarkets. The immigrant crisis in Europe or the ISIS problem in the middle-east do not bother me as much as you are doing right now. You might begin to recollect now and you should be realising that this happened a long time ago. That itself should make it clear how much you have disturbed me. Now let me get back to that RJ and when you called to talk to her. This is the gist of the conversation:

You: SPB sir is an amazing singer. The greatest
RJ: *shouting so loudly and quickly that I couldn’t process her words*
You: Hahaha.. Yeah…
Me: *thinking nothing* *burp*
RJ: What is your favorite SPB song.
Me: *thinking how ridiculous the question is*
You: My god. It is so difficult there are so many.
Me(thinking): Ofcourse Ofcourse there are.
RJ: Yes there are but tell me one favorite song.
Me: *Thinking what would be the song that I would say had I been asked the same question*
You: Ummm,…
RJ: *Shouting something or having fits, I wasn’t sure*
Me:  *thinking of Geetanjali and Abhinandhana songs*
You: Haaaa there are literally thousands..
Me(thinking): yeah haha no wonder this girl is finding it difficult to choose she must also have a huge collection of good music like me.
RJ: tell me one.
You:  The best should be the song from Chudalani vundi
Me(thinking): Wait what? ‘Ababaa idhu’, ‘manassa ekkadunav’ and ‘simbale simbale’ are good songs for sure; and I am a huge fan of Mani Sharma’s music. But the best?! Really?!
RJ: which song? Sing it for us.
Me(thinking): yes please
You: Yamahanagari.. Kalakathapuri….
RJ: Awesome.. What a song!!

I don’t remember the conversation after that. Not even the song that played after that. At that moment, I was pretty sure I felt like Asin in Ghajini when the villain hits her on the head while the hero watches helplessly. I looked at my co-passengers who didn’t seem to bother and were clearly not paying heed to what just happened. On the other hand, I was feeling like Pawan Kalyan, giving a speech; by which I mean, very vague and having no clarity about what I was thinking or saying but visibly emotional, very emotional.

In case you are still wondering why? The song you said was not sung by SPB. It was Hariharan. I would understand if it was the other way round but how could you get this wrong? Were you drunk that day? If so please confirm via email so that I could put my agitated mind to rest. If not, why? How? I mean if you could pick any song prior to 2000, there is a good 80% chance that SPB is the singer. How could you choose a 90s song, as if you knew what you were saying, and still get it wrong. Sigh. It should be like selecting a crook from the LokSabha or like picking a Rajnikanth fan in Tamilnadu. It is supposed to be so easy. Like I said before, I am very poor in selecting my battles and this battle is the kind I have no option but to lose. This silly blog post is my feeble attempt to give closure and put the horror behind me. I am going to move on now with my life of difficulties and you go on calling loud radio jockeys and talk about how Puri Jagannath directed Magadheera and how Devi Sri Prasad composed music for the Slum Dog Millionaire. That RJ, who I recall is named Sexy Shakila (or not) will go on yelling gibberish and agreeing to callers claiming to have killed Veerappan. Sigh. Meanwhile I will keep fighting a lone battle to try and escape from the armed openwindowed spitters while silently praying for a cleaner planet.

P.S Okay I will tell you, it was Stephanie McMahon.

Thanks & Regards,

G Sudhams,

Assistant Manager – IT and a fat person

Yesterday evening something happened. Like everyday, after finishing my evening snack consisting of a veggie salad and green tea, I was about to go for my evening jog, which I do everyday to maintain a slim and trimmed figure, along with my chiseled abs. The wind was very harsh and just as I started, a price of paper flew into my face. I threw it away ignoring it. When I finished my first round of jogging (5kms in less than 10 minutes. True story) the same paper flew into my face again. Just like how Amba’s letter flew into Aamani’s face in Jambalakadi Pamba. As soon as I remembered that movie, I open and read what was written on the paper. It was a letter. Addressed to someone named Mr. PM from some middle aged person with a strange name. I had nothing to do with it. I swear. Even though this story seems ridiculously fake, it really happened. I am just sharing the contents of the letter as it is. I don’t know the person who wrote this is. I am just sharing this like how people share missing SSC mark lists and lost children/old people photos on social media hoping that the original owner finds this. Or at least Mr. PM, whoever he is, gets the message.

Dear Mr. PM,

My name is Arjun Palwai and I am 35 years old. I am married and I have a 5 year old son. I named him Micheal Velayudham just for fun. I have something to tell you. You because I feel only you can make a difference. It all started a few months after I turned 12. I don’t remember how it started but I got used to playing the flute. Whenever I was alone or sometimes even in company, all I wanted to do was to play flute. Since I did not have anyone to play it with, I used to do it by myself relying upon magazines with pictures or sometimes from songs and movies from television. English movies in star movies were very useful. After the Internet cafés started popping up in my town, everything changed and things were never the same again. I got introduced to a whole new world of flute playing by a friend who showed me in detail how and where to access videos and photos that help me play my flute. Since it was a public place, I used to memorise and once I am home, with the help of my imagination, I used to play the flute usually in the shower or if no one is at home, in the living room. I have to admit, what was available on the internet was something that can be called a treasure. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. One guy playing two blonde flutes at the same time, flutes of all colors and sizes being played in all different styles. In one rather unorthodox video, I remember 10 guys playing a single flute. I also enjoyed watching a flute play another flute. Those are still my favorite. Or should I say ‘were’ my favourite.

I never had many friends Mr.PM. Even if I did, non of them were friends that I could play the flute to or with. Our little town did not really permit us to do things like that. It was in times like that Mr. PM, those videos were my companions. Soon after we bought a computer along with a dial up internet connection, apart from 8-bit gaming and custom animation on PowerPoint, all I did was play the flute. Since both my parents were working professionals, I often used to skip school, stay back at home and continue to play the flute. I used to be exhausted by evening but like a famous man once said, a man’s finest hour is when he lies exhausted on the battle field. Now that I remenise those days, it might seem wrong but times were like that Mr.PM. When my computer crashed eventually, I remember going to the CD rental place. They used have the musical CDs (local flautists from Malayalam) at the corner. I was young and embarrassed to purchase those so I once stole a CD but left the money in that place so that I won’t feel guilty while playing the flute. You see Mr. PM, like many people say, flute playing videos and media donot mislead and spoil kids. It’s just the way it is. There are no harmful implications.

Today I am a middle aged man working in a public sector organisation. Not necessarily a bank mind you. I have a kid who I know is also playing the flute in his room or when no one is home. Who knows may be he already has someone in his life with whom he plays the flute. The thing Mr. PM is that yesterday when I tried to access one such sites, it was blocked. I later learnt that hundreds of such sites are also blocked. How could you let this happen? Don’t you live alone? What will you do in your free time? What will you do when everyone in the house goes out and won’t come back for at least 15 mins? Will you not practice playing the flute? What will happen to my child’s flute playing habit? I am sure Mr. PM you understand how this will impact the social structure. Friends are blaming me for not downloading enough material to have as a back up. I admit I was not prepared for such an apocalypse. I am sorry for trusting the convenience of modern day technologies. People also suggest me to go back to downloading from Torrentz. That reminded me of my days in college and hidden folders. You see Mr. PM, just because there is a buffet available, does not take away the beauty of an absolute BBQ where you can just pick what you need while the guy keeps refilling till you decide to stop and move on. I am talking about flutes in case you forgot.

People have vastly contrasting views on trivial things like capital punishment, women safety, communalism and Indian cricket team captains but on much more serious issue like the blocking of these sites, you should know that there is no difference of opinion. We all stand together. I also would like to add that this is not an all male issue. Even women like to play flutes. I am sure you might be aware of all the statistics by now. I am not ashamed to admit that sometimes me and my wife play the flute to each other while watching those videos and it really helps us keep our rather routine lives eventful and thrilling. There is also no truth in the statements claiming that it is against our culture. There are several temple complexes built in the ancient times, that portray gods and goddesses playing the flutes or at least showing off their flutes. Lord Krishna for example is famous for his flute playing skills. Also there is a misguided assumption that those sites have the capacity to spoil youth of the nation, posing a threat to women’s safety. However Mr.PM I assure you that that is not true. Also, to add to that, I am positive that elders who keep saying these things are ignorant of what their children do in the incognito mode. From experience I confess that infact I have never played a flute with a girl till I was married even though I starting playing it from when I was 12. Those things are mostly mutually exclusive. There are several other more practical ways to protect women which can be a lot more efficient.

You might also be aware how refreshing playing a flute can be. Each morning after playing the flute, one can happily concentrate on other things in life and be more productive in their work. This in a way helps in growth of the national GDP in a way. After a stressful day at work/school/college, there is no better stress relief method than a few minutes of flute playing. Blocking these sites will have a rippling effect on this otherwise peaceful arrangement which will have a psychological, sociological repercussions. To be frank Mr.PM, I hope and pray that this entire issue will settle down in a few days and things will go back to normal. This is something that need not be given the importance or the thought that it is being given right now. There are far more dangerous evils that one can fight against if he/she chooses to. Like poverty, rural infrastructure development, education, health etc. You can try to save and protect people who are said to be exploited due to this flute manufacturing industry by better and practical ways. Blocking these will not solve the problem. That is all sir. I bring my issue like a corpse in front of you. You may bring it back to life like Jesus Christ or take a lecture on how death is inevitable like the Buddha, whatever you do  Mr. PM, please let me play my flute.

Yours faithfully,

Arjun Palwai,

Flute enthusiast.

So that’s that. Word to word I have just typed the contents of that letter. It clearly is about some guy worried about what would happen to his flute playing because some sites are blocked. Some Mr.PM is perhaps in charge I don’t know. I hope what ever his problem is, it is solved soon because I could sense the passion and love this man has for his flute playing habit. And for those who might want to see the actual letter, sorry I lost it. Lost it when I was trying to protect a handicapped person from getting run over by a lorry. This happened while I was going to an orphanage to give my monthly donations. Tough luck.