Category: Mann ki Blog

Nǐ hǎo my dear readers. How are you? What’s going on? I don’t know why I keep asking as if you are going to respond. But still, I hope you are all doing well. After the horrible ranting in the last edition (MkB #12), I have decided to keep this one simple and pleasant. As some of you know by now, I recently moved to Taipei and the transition from Delhi has been smooth and easy so far. But before I start sharing some of my experiences here, did you know that on this day in 1996, the Taliban reached the suburbs of Kabul during an ongoing civil war, and in two days time, took over Kabul and established the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan. 1996 my dear readers. Not 2021. Oh yes, and on this day in 1968, Will Smith was born. Now let’s get going.

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As I was saying, I moved to Taipei last month my dear readers. After living in Delhi for more than three years, it was only after moving here that I realised that I have not done the one thing in Delhi that I very much looked forward to before moving there from Hyderabad in 2018. You see, back in September 2014, a White Tiger in the Delhi Zoo mauled a 22 year old man to death. The news made headlines across the globe. However, with so much happening in the country after 2014 (wink-wink), people slowly forgot about that incident. Not me of course. I am damaged.

The Tiger’s name is Vijay. After mating with Kalpana (a female tiger, obviously), Vijay fathered five tiger cubs sometime in 2015. However, within few months, one of the cubs choked to death after a piece of meat got stuck in its throat. Of the remaining four cubs, three are female (Neeta, Meeta and Reeta) and one is male (Tipu). As you can see, back then I knew way too much information about what was going on in Vijay’s life. This was the time when I was still single. I mean, I knew that Vijay’s birthday is on 20 July and in 2017, he celebrated his tenth birthday. No wonder I was single. But still, my point is that I was really looking forward to go see Vijay in person after moving to Delhi in March of 2018. Unfortunately, life got hectic and due to one reason or the other, I could not find time to visit Delhi Zoo. If you are in Delhi, please try and make time to visit the Zoo and say hello to Vijay for me.

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Dear readers, the non-vegetarian food I eat is mostly eggs and chicken. Fish and Prawns also occasionally. Nothing else. One thing I came prepared to do in Taipei is to try the local cuisine, several of which are dishes containing beef and pork. But so far I am unable to overcome that mental block. I did have what is called an “Oyster Omelette” and experienced, let’s just say – mixed emotions. I am however, determined to take that leap sooner rather than later.

I have to confess something though. A couple of weeks ago, I ordered something called “Japanese Omelette Rice” off the Menu. Going by its name, I assumed that it contained rice and eggs (probably duck or quail eggs, but I am beyond just chicken eggs now). But as I started eating the Japanese Omelette Rice, I realised that I was chewing on some pieces of meat. Considering that 7-8 out of 10 food items here contain either beef or pork, I was 70-80% sure that I was eating either beef or pork. But there was no turning back at that point. So, I guess I already had taken the leap without actually realising that I did.

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My dear readers, if there is one living creature that I miss the most from Delhi now, it is my landlord’s puppy – Tikki. This is what he looks like and I miss him dearly. 

This is as much true emotion as I am capable of displaying so I am going to stop at that. I have to say this my dear readers – dogs, especially puppies in Taipei seem malnourished to me. If not malnourished, they are over groomed. I am very underwhelmed. There was only one little brat that we met near the Ganesh temple (yes, Ganesh temple in Taipei) that looked adorable. See for yourself.

While puppies are not all that cute here, the babies are another level my dear readers. In fact let me go on record and say that Taiwanese babies are, for my money, the cutest babies in the world. Indian babies look like pieces of shit compared to Taiwanese babies. This is not an exaggeration my dear readers. Believe me, because I myself was a cute Indian baby long time ago. But oh boy, my baby self will be a total uggo if you compare with any random Taiwanese baby. No other global babies can even be compared to Taiwanese babies in cuteness levels. Their cuteness also comes from the fact that they’re well mannered. Unlike those irresponsible Sri Lankan babies. I wish Taiwanese babies all the very best for a bright future. The rest of the babies from the rest of the world can honestly go to hell. I don’t care.

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You might be wondering why I am talking so much about babies and puppies my dear readers. Let me be honest. I stopped following Indian news websites from the time I landed in Taipei. I have no idea what is going on there. Politics, Sports, Cinema – Nothing. I saw few scenes from a horrible movie called Bell Bottom. But that was only because I saw Akshay Kumar when they were shooting some scenes outside our office in South Block. Other than that, I have no idea what is going on in India and I am absolutely loving it. It has been a learning curve, understanding how I was consuming other people’s outrage as my news. The things that gives me fomo are the news updates about Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s beard. I want to know more but I don’t want get sucked into those news cycles again. Please let me know by email or in the comment section below if he suddenly decides to shave his beard. In case he already shaved it, please share a photo. Thanks.

Having said that, I am earnestly following some news stories here in Taipei my dear readers. Last month when I was in quarantine, Taipei Zoo held a public voting event to name a new born Tapir. This Tapir to be more accurate:

Until I actually found it, I had no idea that this was the kind of news that I needed in my life. Needless to say, I took part in the poll. My submission was – “GAO”. You see my dear readers, before I read this news, I had no idea that “Tapir” is a large herbivorous mammal. The only Tapir I knew was Hon’ble Member of Parliament and BJP’s Arunachal Pradesh Unit President, Shri Tapir Gao. So when I saw the poll, I thought that it would be perfect to name the baby Tapir as “Gao” so that when someone asks the zoo keeper, which Tapir is the cutest, he/she can say, “Tapir Gao.” You see what I am saying?

Unfortunately, my submission got rejected, as it was likely that no one else on the planet suggested that name. Missed opportunity if you ask me. If my name was Tapir Gao, I would have loved to see a Tapir being named Tapir Gao. Sigh! But there are plenty of fish in the sea and plenty of tapirs in zoos. Fingers crossed.

What I am saying my dear readers is that when I have news like this, why the hell would I want to go back and read those awful websites giving nonsense news about Raj Kundra or someone else. They make me sustain the same level of outrage for COVID-19 deaths and countries being taken over by terrorists on one hand and some stupid celebrity tweets on the other. Same level of public outrage. I want to stop doing that and being that person, instead focus such masterpieces:

You see what I am saying my dear readers. I am not even kidding. This is me now. I have had it. Outraging over everything. These are the kind of news stories I am devoting my time and energy to. Still not convinced that these are compelling stories? Look at this:

The police conducted a joint search and rescue effort to find a ‘missing’ tourist in collaboration with the Coast Guard, the fire department, the Wei Jing Rescue Association, the airborne service, and local fishing boats. Meanwhile the guy was sleeping at a local guest house. Priceless.

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I guess that will be all for this edition of Mann ki Blog my dear readers. There is no True or False Quiz this time. Here are the solutions for the last month’s quiz:

Statement – 1: After the men’s hockey team won gold at the 1980 summer olympics, India had to wait 16 years with out a medal, until Leander Paes won bronze at the 1996 summer Olympics.

Solution: True.

Statement – 2: Nusli Wadia, one of the main funders of the erstwhile Jana Sangh and later the BJP is the grandson of Pakistan’s first Prime Minister Liaquat Ali Khan.

Solution. False. Nusli Wadia is the grandson of Muhammad Ali Jinnah.

Statement – 3: In October 2018, with the approval of the Hon’ble Prime Minister, Arnab Goswami was made a member of the Nehru Memorial Museum & Library Society.

Solution: True.

Statement – 4: During June 2019 to August 2021, Hon’ble Member of Parliament (Lok Sabha) Swami Sachchidanand Hari Sakshi Ji Maharaj, popularly known as Sakshi Maharaj has 96% attendance in the parliament, while Rahul Gandhi has 53% attendance.

Solution: True.

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Oh yeah, before we finish, the baby Tapir was named “Mo Huadou” and she is now learning to eat solid foods in addition to getting milk from her mother, Molly. Zoo authorities informed that the mother and daughter have been very vocal and communicative with each other. I will go to Taipei Zoo soon to see Miss Huadou in person. Meanwhile you do better things with your life and take care of yourselves my dear readers. I will see you next month with another edition of Mann ki Blog.

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Hey what’s going on? How are you? It’s time for another edition of Mann ki Blog. I’m fully vaccinated now my dear readers. Go ahead and cough on me, I don’t care. What an eventful month that had been! Monsoon Session of the Parliament, Olympic Medals, Azadi ka Amrit Mahotsav, earthquake in Haiti, Taliban being Taliban and many more. There was so much happening that I had to write a Mini Mann ki Blog few days back. In case you missed it, you can read it here. We also had Onam, Muharram, Parsi New Year, and Raksha Bandhan. I hope you all had the delicious Onam Sadhya, lost a lot of blood on Muharram, got your hearts broken after your crush Rakhi-ed you and did whatever you do on Parsi New Year.

Before we begin, did you know that on this day in 1963, Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his famous “I Have a Dream” speech in Washington DC. Also, on this day last year, Chadwick Boseman died from complications related to colon cancer. Long Live the King. Wakanda Forever! Now let’s get going.

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I am sorry to start off with a rant my dear readers. I could not help it. As you know, India recently ‘celebrated’ its 75th Independence Day. Such a momentous occasion should ideally make one joyous. I am however pathetic and often tend to punish myself. It all began when the Prime Minister said that “in memory of the struggles and sacrifices of our people, 14th August will be observed as Partition Horrors Remembrance Day.” About a Million lives were lost during partition. I was stuck wondering how the British left without any kind of reparations. It was almost as if they drew some random lines, said okay bye bye and left.

Have you seen India Gate in New Delhi my dear readers? The monument was unveiled in 1931 to commemorate the lives of more than 80,000 soldiers of the British Indian Army who lost their lives in World War-I. Just read the last line once again. Doesn’t it seem ridiculous that 80,000 Indians had to die fighting a war that basically had nothing to with them? During the Second World War, more than 23,00,000 soldiers manned the British Indian Army and about 89,000 lost their lives. What did India have to do with the Second World War? Even if it did, was it worth losing 89,000 lives? This was also during the time when the Bengal famine killed about 30 lakh people. 30,00,000 human lives. Three times the number of partition deaths. No reparations.

It took India and Pakistan less than two months after August 1947, to start fighting over Kashmir. Less than two months after they became members of the Commonwealth. The fight continues to be an ongoing affair. What about the relationship between India and the United Kingdom? As on 21 April 2021, our official records state that: 

“India and the United Kingdom share historic ties since several centuries. The two countries have a Strategic Partnership since 2004 and enjoy a multi-faceted relationship spanning across trade and economy, health, science & technology, defence & security, people-to-people relations, climate change and close cooperation on multilateral issues.”

Historic ties since several centuries it seems. Nicely done.

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I am not done with the ranting my dear readers. Bear with me please. During the political integration after independence, more than 550 so called ‘princely states’ acceded to India. What were all these princely states doing before that? The British exercised paramountcy over several of them, with the British crown as ultimate suzerain. At the same time, the British respected and protected them as allies, taking control of their external relations. Have you seen that my dear readers? They were allies. Allies to the oppressors. It is recorded history that some of these royal houses, such as the Scindia’s of Gwalior, actively supported the British during the 1857 Revolt.

After their accession to the Indian Republic, were the ‘princely states’ held accountable for their actions during the British rule? Did they face any kind of consequences for their actions in the decades that followed? I don’t know. The Pataudi’s have done well. Pusapati Gajapathi Rajus of Northern Andhra are doing well. Expect may be a few exemptions, the new age royals continue to hold power across political, economic and cultural spheres while we, their subjects, fight among ourselves for being right wing and left wing. The Scindia’s for example have held power and influence and continue to do so from both the so-called liberal and conservative political parties.

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You see my dear readers, these are the kind of things that keep me awake at night. I am not even kidding. I cannot trust the news. Everything I see and read, I worry that it might be some kind of propaganda, or worse, a distraction from the actual truth. I see how the more we become polarised and the more we fight among ourselves, we end up benefitting the people and groups that ultimately rule us. Even if we don’t benefit them, we let them get away without any reparations for their misdeeds. It is like UFC, or IPL. Yes, you want to take sides. Yes, you want the other side to lose. Just like how the other side wants you to lose. But it is the organisation and the players that benefit from the fan fights. People often talk about how opposing opinions are like two sides of the same coin. What they don’t talk about is that the coin is owned by someone else.

Case in point: After INC was wiped out in the 2019 Andhra Pradesh Assembly elections, people who hated them celebrated. But if we really look at it, most of the INC leaders simply migrated to YSRCP or the TDP after the establishment of the former and after the state bifurcation. Most of the INC leaders now rule from YSRCP (including the Chief Minister) or sit in the opposition from TDP. Only the teams changed. The game continues to remain the same.

Aahh! I am now done with the rant my dear readers. I am not proud of it and I am sorry you had to deal with it. But what can I do? That is the power of public narratives. Take Karan Johar for example. Not long ago, he was seen as an anti-national for casting a Pakistani actor in one of his movies. After Sushant’s death last year, he became the poster boy of nepotism in Bollywood and faced the wrath of the people. What did he do? He produced a biographical war movie ‘Shershaah’ following the life of Captain Vikram Batra and released it during Azadi ka Amrit Mahotsav. Also, he cast the two people from his usual ‘talent’ pool without the ‘nepotism-kid’ tag in the movie. He threw the bone and we caught it. It’s all in the narrative my dear readers. Now he goes back to making movies with Ranbir Kapoor and Alia Bhatt.

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Now let’s take some time and talk about hope and optimism my dear readers. In October 2007, when a consortium led by Vijay Mallya (along with Michiel Mol) formed the Force India Formula One Team Limited, it was matter of pride for the entire nation. Mallya was instrumental in bringing the pinnacle of Motor Racing to India during 2011-2013 with the Indian Grand Prix. But sadly, for different reasons, it all went away. With the situation that Mallya is in now, chances of the coveted motor sport coming back to India are slim, if not entirely non-existent. Both the creation and the creator disintegrated.

Then there was Lalit Modi, the founder & first Chairman and Commissioner of the IPL. In August 2009, when Lalit Modi was still at the helm, Forbes magazine described the IPL as ‘the world’s hottest sports league’. But unlike Formula 1 and Mallya, IPL did not crumble after the downfall of Modi. In fact it grew exceptionally well and to this day remain the most popular sports league in India. The success of IPL inspired several other sports to have their own leagues like the Kabaddi, Volley Ball, Hockey etc. The creator left but the creation survived, and thrived.

You might be wondering where I am going with all this. You see my dear readers, few weeks back, a trailblazer and a visionary by the name Raj Kundra was arrested in connection with an adult film racket. There are allegations of him doing horrible things like forcing women into porn movies. I strongly believe that all guilty parties should be punished according to the law of the land. But at the same time, I do hope that for the sake of Atmanirbhar Bharat, his creation survives and thrives.

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That is all for this edition of Mann ki Blog my dear readers. Apologies for the long rants and poor editing. The last one week has been hectic for me. I got transferred from India and just moved to a new place. As you can imagine, there’s lot of shopping and trying to settle down. I will try and do better with the next Mann ki Blog. Before we end however, let’s do one more True or False Quiz. Last month’s solutions are also given below. Thank you for reading and stay safe.

Quiz

Statement – 1: After the men’s hockey team won gold at the 1980 summer olympics, India had to wait 16 years with out a medal, until Leander Paes won bronze at the 1996 summer Olympics.

Statement – 2: Nusli Wadia, one of the main funders of the erstwhile Jana Sangh and later the BJP is the grandson of Pakistan’s first Prime Minister Liaquat Ali Khan.

Statement – 3: In October 2018, with the approval of the Hon’ble Prime Minister, Arnab Goswami was made a member of the Nehru Memorial Museum & Library Society.

Statement – 4: During June 2019 to August 2021, Hon’ble Member of Parliament (Lok Sabha) Swami Sachchidanand Hari Sakshi Ji Maharaj, popularly known as Sakshi Maharaj has 96% attendance in the parliament, while Rahul Gandhi has 53% attendance.

Last Month’s solutions

Statement – 1: Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel wrote a book that was published in 1945 called ‘Sangarshma Gujarat’ detailing his experiences during the Quit India Movement.

Solution: False. The book ‘Sangarshma Gujarat’ was written by Prime Minister Narendra Modi detailing his experiences during the Emergency. It was published in 1978.

Statement – 2: When Vasundara Raje was the BJP Chief Minister of Rajasthan, there was a period when Jyotiraditya Scindia was a Union Minister in the UPA Government. Scindia is Raje’s nephew.

Solution: True. Jyotiraditya Scindia is the son of Late Madhavrao Scindia who is Vasundara Raje’s brother. All Royals.

Statement – 3: Following the services of the sangh volunteers during the 1999 Kargil War, Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee invited the RSS to participate in the Republic Day Parade in 2000.

Solution: False. It was Jawaharlal Nehru who invited the RSS to participate in the Republic Day Parade of 1963 following the services of sangh volunteers during the 1962 conflict with China.

Statement – 4: Even though Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s first term as Chief Minister of Gujarat started in October 2001, he entered the Gujarat state legislature on 24 February 2002 only. Three days later, on 27 February 2002, a train burned near Godhra.

Solution: True. Well, what can I say? it is true.

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Surprise! Nǐ hǎo my dear readers. How are you? I know there is still some time left for me to publish the next edition of Mann ki Blog. But I just wanted to drop by and share somethings with you all. You see my dear readers, today is day 11 of my institutional quarantine, in a place far from home. While I am staying in a swanky hotel with all kinds of comforts, the fact that I am left with myself is driving me crazy. So I thought I will do this Mini version for the sake of my sanity.

Please note that the 12th edition of Mann ki Blog (featuring Azadi Ka Amrit Mahotsav, Princely States, Vijay Mallya etc.) will be published as per the usual schedule – a day before the last Sunday of the month. Now let’s begin.

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First thing first. Those Talibans are really something else am I right my dear readers? I mean, they definitely did not waste any time for sure. People from across the globe are now asking many questions. Where will this lead to? What does this mean to peace in the middle east? Who gets to eat the Afghan Jilebi? Is there an actual Afghan Jilebi? Okay no one asked that last two. But the thing is, I have noticed that by and large, most people are not so psyched that the Taliban is now in-charge of Afghanistan. You know what this reminds me of my dear readers? The time when they announced that Ben Affleck was going to be the next Batman. It was mayhem with people actually taking time to start petitioning against the decision. Then what happened? Batfleck blew everyone away with his make over and performance. Sometimes we have to give people chances, and not be clouded in our prejudices and narrow mindedness.

Still not convinced? Okay look at it this way. Even after all those years of ‘developed’ countries doing what ever they did, Afghanistan is currently ranked 169 out of 189 countries as per the UN Human Development Index. It’s like how the Suicide Squad (2016) was made with actors like Will Smith, Margot Robbie and Jared Leto but still ended up with a mere 26% on RottenTomatoes. We all thought that sometimes things just won’t work out. But then, out of nowhere, James Gunn comes along and says he is going to make a new Suicide Squad movie. I mean, honestly, after the first debacle, no one asked for another Suicide Squad movie. But still when it was announced, no one was worried that James Gunn was going to ruin a classic. We were just like – “Oh! Okay let’s see what he does.” I am simply saying that we should have the same attitude towards Taliban taking over Afghanistan. James Gunn is Taliban my dear readers.

Please don’t get me wrong. I have no idea what the Taliban are going to do. Frankly, all I know about the Taliban is that they dress exactly how a racist people would imagine muslims to look like. All I am saying is that – sometimes in life, it is all about having a positive outlook. Like I often say, for a person with a positive outlook on life, Annabelle is basically another Toy Story.

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Since we are already on the topic of perceptions and movies, have you seen the news about Farhan Akhtar directing a new movie my dear readers? It’s called ‘Jee Le Zaraa’ starring Bollywood A-listers and overall good looking people – Priyanka Chopra, Katrina Kaif and Alia Bhatt. Farhan said that it is going to be a “road film, a slice-of-life film, with three women on the road.” I hope this movie bombs at the box-office. Or worse, it doesn’t get a theatrical release at all and releases on some obscure App like MX Player or AltBalaji.

You see, I don’t hate Farhan and his movies. In fact, I got first prize in a school dance competition for dancing to ‘Koi Kahe’ from Dil Chahta Hai. The movie that turned me against Farhan is that awful ‘Zindagi na Milegi Dobara.’ Directed by his sister Zoya (who I still believe is Farhan wearing a bad wig), the movie is about a bunch of healthy, fit, young, super rich good looking people travelling across Europe. There was no way I was going to identify with whatever the fuck problems they might be having. There are rich people problems and then there are Zindagi na Milegi Dobara problems. What nonsense. I feel like puking only my dear readers.

Hrithik Roshan’s character, looking like Hrithik Roshan, gets to roll around in tomato goo with Katrina Kaif who later chases the guy on a bike and kisses him. I believe the two indulge in banging as well. There was no way I look at that story and make any sort of connection to what was happening. I did not even go near Zoya Akhtar’s ‘Dil Dhadakne Do’ after noting that it featured another ensemble cast of rich, beautiful people but this time on a cruise ship. No thank you.

I am not watching ‘Jee Le Zaraa’ my dear readers. Unless of course it is some kind of a tribute movie to COVID-19 warriors wherein the actresses supply oxygen containers to local hospitals and in the last shot of the movie, Alia Bhatt gives a cylinder to a dying patient, turns to the camera and says, ‘jee le zaraa’ and winks. Cut. The End. Roll credits.

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That is all for this Mini edition my dear readers. You all stay safe and take care of yourselves. Don’t outrage for everything. I will see you again soon with the 12th Edition of Mann ki Blog. Stay tuned. Meanwhile, even if you don’t want to root for the Taliban, at least watch James Gunn’s ‘The Suicide Squad’. It has 91% on RottenTomatoes.

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My dear readers, there is no time today for formal introductions like hi, hello, welcome to the eleventh edition of the Mann ki Blog. I have so many things to share with you all. Let me first say upfront that I am not too worried about the whole Pegasus affair. Hon’ble Minister of Electronics and Information Technology recently stated in Lok Sabha that the reports of 18 July 2021 appear to be an attempt to malign the Indian democracy and its well established institutions. For the record my dear readers, if it comes to protecting Indian democracy, I am willing to take subscription for Pegasus Prime or Pegasus Premium. Tell me where to sign. I don’t care.

Before we move on, did you know that on this day (24 July) in 1991, Dr. Manmohan Singh presented his first budget as Finance Minister in the then PV Narasimha Rao Government? It was the day that changed India forever. Also, on this day (24 July) in 1969, Jennifer Lopez was born. Now let’s get going.

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The Tokyo Olympics have begun my dear readers. I am sure that our contingent would do great. But a part of me is sad that we are missing a sure shot gold medal. You must be aware that Indian wrestler and two-time olympic medalist Sushil Kumar is in Tihar jail now for ‘allegedly’ being involved in a murder. Poor fellow recently requested the prison authorities to provide him a television to remain up to date about ‘happenings in the wrestling world’. But the authorities allowed him to watch TV only in a common area of the jail ward.

As an ‘Instrumentation’ engineer who duped his mother into buying him a computer in college because ‘it is compulsory for engineers’, I know that Sushil’s reasoning is poppycock. But I feel that if a Khel Ratna awardee asks for a simple TV, we have to just give it to him damnit! I mean if Subrata Roy of Sahara can get ‘benefits which had never been seen by anybody before in prison’ including ‘air- conditioning’, we should be able to provide Sushil a TV.

But the real tragedy is that he is not representing India in Tokyo. He might not be allowed to wrestle for India in future as well. Yes, he is accused in the murder of wrestler Sagar Dhankar. But if you ask me, the whole murder thing should not be seen as a drawback. In fact, murdering someone (allegedly) should have already made Sushil Kumar a badass in the wrestling community. Forget Sagar Dhankar (who clearly is not that great at wrestling), just imagine you are ‘Russian tank’ Abdulrashid Sadulaev or Iran’s ‘Fearless’ Hassan Yazdani. Imagine Sushil walking towards you in the ring and knowing that he is coming straight from jail – after killing a guy (allegedly). Wouldn’t that scare the shit out of you?!

Sushil Kumar – Gold Medal 🥇 

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Now I will tell you a joke that I recently cracked my dear readers. It might come as a surprise to you all, but I am quite the jester. Even though the premise of this joke is more suitable for a situational comedy, I am sure it retains some chucklesome experience in written form as well. 

During one of our drives, me and my wife saw a guy overtake us in top speed on a scooter. He was carrying two car tyres with him. One tyre at his feet and one tyre around his neck. I immediately saw the opportunity and took it:

“That guy is driving a four-wheeler.” Hahahahahaha!! Classic Sudhams.

It came naturally to me. Like thunder after lightning.

My wife however was not impressed. All I got from her was a casual – Ha! She clearly did not get it. You understood the joke right my dear readers? See, even though I said four-wheeler, the scooter he was driving had only two wheels, like any other scooter. But the reason I said four-wheeler was because he was carrying the two extra wheels, which brought the total number of wheels to four.

At the same time, the four-wheeler I referred to was also not a four-wheeler in the traditional sense of the word. Because the scooter did have only two wheels. Hence, the joke. It is not unnecessarily complicated, like most Christopher Nolan movies. It is clever and funny like all EVV Satyanarayana movies. But all this explaining only made matters worse with my wife. So please let me know how much you enjoyed my joke. My wife needs to understand how great it is.

Honestly, I have no qualms in admitting that I often find myself chuckling at my own quips. Does that make me a narcissist my dear readers?

I don’t think so. Because I don’t have excessive interest in or admiration of myself. Actually, I mostly hate myself.

What does it make me then? I know – a Nahahaharcissist.

If you decide to leave and never come back after reading the previous line, I totally understand my dear readers.

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Since you decided not to leave, I will reward you with a story of one of my celebrity interactions. The year was 2011. The month – January. It was January 2011. I already got a job at Infosys (campus placement) and had one more semester to finish college. I was just starting to use Twitter. The App that we now love and use (to mostly hate and misuse) was a lot different back then. Not everybody had a smart phone. After my brother bought me an Android Phone (Version: Froyo), I no longer had time for listening to FM Radio and transferring MP3 files on bluetooth like my friends. I was busy tweeting to celebrities.

What I am about to tell you now might seem uncharacteristic of me. But I want to share this because even though I might seem like the epitome of kindness and warmth now, I had a dark past. I was an internet troll – before the term even existed.

Friends, this is the twitter handle of actor Siddharth: @Actor_Siddharth

If you go to his twitter account, this is what you might end up seeing:

But when I click on his profile, this is what I see

That is right my dear readers. ‘Indian’ and ‘Decent human’ Siddharth blocked me on Twitter. I will tell you why he did it and why I definitely deserved it.

You see my dear readers, Sidharth was on a roll in Telugu movies for a period back then. After initial successes including Boys (2003), he was making two, often three movies each year. The blockbuster hits Nuvvosthanante Nenodhantana (2005) and Bommarillu (2006) propelled him into stardom. Girls seemed to go crazy about him. He was like a more domesticated and regional BTS.

But by 2011, following a series of flops, he was in a lull. After making a forgettable Baava (2010), he was starring in a movie called Anaganaga Oka Dheerudu, a high-budget star-studded fantasy-adventure film. By the first week of January 2011, the promotions for the movie were in full swing. Siddharth was active on twitter and was aggressively promoting the movie. May be it was boredom, may be it was because of the new social media fad, or may be because I was just trying to get some attention from a celebrity, whatever may be the reason, I began trolling him. 

Truth be told. I was not using any cuss words. No religious comments were involved. I was just trying to annoy him. I began replying to his tweets asking him to take things down a notch because Anaganaga Oka Dheerudu was going to bomb. I know, rude. I also kept telling him that he only had two hits in his career and both of them were due to the actresses: Trisha (Nuvvosthanante Nenodhantana) and Genelia (Bommarillu). You see what I mean now? I was actually putting thought into the trolling. I am not proud of myself. That was just what I was doing. Pathetic.

Anaganaga Oka Dheerudu released on 14 January 2011 and bombed. Big time. I mean, bombed like Gokul Chat. Without wasting any time, I went on to Twitter and tweeted to Siddharth something on the lines of – I told you so!

He blocked me.

You see now my dear readers, why I told you that I deserved to be blocked. I was being a jerk for no reason at all. I had a good laugh and shared the whole thing with my friends. As time passed, I forgot the whole thing ever happened.

Years later, during the Chennai floods of 2015, everybody was talking about how Siddarth was leading relief efforts. I tried to see what he was doing and opened my twitter, only to realise:

I felt so bad. He is such a nice guy helping people in all the ways he could. I was such a jerk to him. I wondered what if I was one of the unfortunate people stranded during the Chennai floods? I would not have survived because I could not have message him on twitter for help. See my dear readers, that is why you should be kind to people. Take this as a lesson for your future.

***

There is more. Before ending this edition of my Mann ki Blog, I thought that it would be fun to play a little game. It is simple. There are a bunch of statements below. I need you, my dear readers to guess which ones are True and which ones are False. Pretty basic.

1. Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel wrote a book that was published in 1945 called ‘Sangarshma Gujarat’ detailing his experiences during the Quit India Movement.

2. When Vasundara Raje was the BJP Chief Minister of Rajasthan, there was a period when Jyotiraditya Scindia was a Union Minister in the UPA Government. Scindia is Raje’s nephew.

3. Following the services of the sangh volunteers during the 1999 Kargil War, Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee invited the RSS to participate in the Republic Day Parade in 2000.

4. Even though Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s first term as Chief Minister of Gujarat started in October 2001, he entered the Gujarat state legislature on 24 February 2002 only. Three days later, on 27 February 2002, a train burned near Godhra.

Thanks for reading and see you next time.

Hey what’s going on? It’s me again with another edition of Mann ki Blog. I hope you are all doing well. Please include leafy vegetables in your diet. I have many things to share with you today including an interesting encounter with a monkey. I updated my Aadhar photo recently. It was, contrary to what one might expect, a hassle free procedure. You can also try. It appears as if the second wave of COVID-19 has abated. That’s good news. Let us try and keep it that way. Some random facts before we start: On this day (26 June) in 1997, the first Harry Potter novel “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” was published in the United Kingdom. Also on this day (26 June) in 1498, the emperor of China patented the tooth brush. Now let’s get going.

***

You must have seen/read news reports about the recent developments in the Israel – Palestine conflict. The news made some of my friends anxious. They were fighting like anything on our WhatsApp group about which side to support and why. One fellow was saying that our current Prime Minister supports Israel. I agreed with him because he is the first Indian Prime Minister to visit Israel (July 2017). Another fellow contested that our Prime Minister favours Palestine. I agreed with him also because he is also the first Indian Prime Minister to visit Palestine (February 2018). This back and forth continued for quite some time. After about three days, it began to seem as if the majority (of the WhatsApp group) was convinced that our Prime Minister stands with Israel and that all Palestinians by default hate him. Some left wing vs right wing discussions that I am too dumb to understand.

People seemed to be convinced and the debate almost ended on this note. Then one girl pointed out that during his 2018 visit, Shri Narendra Modi was bestowed upon the highest Palestinian award of the “Grand Collar of the State of Palestine” which is basically their “Bharat Ratna”. The majority and the minority (of the WhatsApp group) did not know how to react and the whole thing came to a stand still. Before it started all over again, I read about the news of a Delhi YouTuber being arrested for tying a dog to balloons to make it ‘fly’. What a legend. I shared the link in the WhatsApp group and thankfully, it distracted everyone thereby solving the long standing Israel – Palestine conflict. I mean, not the actual conflict. Just the one we were having on our WhatsApp group.

***

My dear readers, 15 June 2021 marked the one year anniversary of the Galwan Incident. But more importantly, 14 June 2021 marked the one year anniversary of the untimely death of Sushant Singh Rajput. A national tragedy. Even after one year, we still have several unanswered questions (about Sushant. Not Galwan). What is Rhea’s role? Nepotism or drug mafia? Karan Johar and Mahesh Bhatt? Was his death a PR stunt for his last movie that released on Hotstar? Sadly, it seems that we may never know. But the biggest question I have my dear readers is this – when is Netflix making a show on Sushant’s death? I mean how much time does Netflix need? They have resources to make movies with Abhishek Bachchan (Ludo) and Bobby Deol (Class of ’83). They spend money to make whatever “Lust Stories” is. But they still have not announced a show on Sushant. Ridiculous. Please make it happen Netflix. I am sure there is more than enough footage with Republic TV if you need.

***

Now for the monkey encounter that I teased in the intro. So, a few days ago, after having an early dinner me and my wife went upstairs on to the terrace for a stroll. Lovely as she is, my wife baked me a cookie with chunks of white chocolate. I was carrying the cookie in a small plate, yet to take a bit as it was still warm. Soon after we began walking, a monkey casually walked in and blocked our way. It was a Rhesus monkey. For a second, we stood face to face having no idea what to do or how to react. Since the monkey stood near the stairs, we could not escape without having to cross paths. We were cornered.

You might not get that impression my dear readers but people who know me personally would attest to the fact that I have a very sharp mind. Quick thinking is the name of my game. As we stood there, I could sense the helplessness in my wife and her silent cries for help. I immediately swung into action and placed the small plate, along with the warm cookie, on the floor. As expected, the monkey’s attention was on the cookie and it walked towards it, giving us space to escape unhurt. The brief standoff was tense but it ended peacefully, like Doklam. My wife immediately felt eternally grateful for my presence of mind and my bravery. I mean, she did not say that explicitly but I could clearly sense the vibes.

While this should ideally suffice for a happy ending, what followed was something more convoluted. You see my dear readers, after the standoff, I began to wonder whether or not the monkey liked the cookie. I raised this query with my wife and needless to say, she was also curious (perhaps nervous) to know. While my curiosity had no personal stakes, it was evident that my wife had a lot to lose in that scenario. It would definitely be embarrassing (for her) if that monkey rejected the cookie. We went back on to the terrace to check but the monkey was still sitting there. We decided to wait till the next morning to check once again.

Rhesus Monkey (Macaca mulatta) is listed under ‘Least Concern’ in the IUCN Red List of Threatened Species. However, for those few hours, it was of utmost concern for us. I spent the next few hours trying to learn about rhesus monkeys. I came to know that due to their closeness to humans anatomically and physiologically, they have been used extensively in medical and biological research. They were used in the development of rabies, smallpox and polio vaccines; creation of drugs to manage HIV/AIDS and even in the study of embryonic stem cells. STEMS CELLS my dear readers. One of these primates was launched on a suborbital spaceflight in 1959 and became one of the first living beings to travel in space and return alive. Actual SPACE. Can you believe it?! After concluding that the monkey upstairs was actually some kind of a secret genius, I started to panic. The monkey’s opinion mattered.

Life is strange. One minute you are walking with your wife planning to eat a cookie and the next minute you are researching about rhesus monkeys.

***

Before I forget my dear readers, I have to confess something. Even though I am not very political, I get agitated when I read critics lambasting Nehru for all kinds of things. I mean you have to be critical of leaders yes, but sometimes you also have to give credit where it is due. I am of course talking about his relationship with Edwina Mountbatten. Why does no one give credit to him for such a contribution to the national cause?

In February 1947, Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Mountbatten became the Viceroy of India with a mandate to oversee the British withdrawal. Along with five first names, the guy also had a wife: Edwina Cynthia Annette Mountbatten. Being the maternal uncle of Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, and second cousin once removed of Queen Elizabeth II, he was the very symbol of colonial oppression. Do you know what Nehru did to that guy? He made Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Mountbatten’s wife fall in love with him. Haha.

In an interview with Karan Thapar in 2007, Lady Pamela Hicks, Mountbatten’s youngest daughter told the following about her mother’s relationship with Panditji:

“…a very deep love. The kind of love that the old knights of old [had], a chivalric love really. Nowadays everybody assumes that it has to be a carnal love, but you can have just as deep an emotional love with two like souls in a way, people who really grow to understand each other, and to be able to listen to each other and to complement each other and find solace in each other.”

“My mother died in Borneo, working for Save the Children Fund and St. John Ambulance Brigade, and she died suddenly in the middle of her work. On her bedside table was a packet of Panditji’s letters.”

I believe it was Pawan Kalyan who said in an old Telugu movie that “winning a war does not mean killing the enemy, it just means defeating the enemy.” Panditji took winning the war to a whole different level. Yes, Sardar Uddam Singh killed Michael O’Dwyer but did he make Una O’Dwyer fall in love with him? No. Yes, Yuvraj Singh hit six sixes in an over after fighting with Andrew Flintoff but did he make Rachael Wools fall in love with him? No. Jawaharlal Nehru accomplished something that arguably no one else in history did and instead of calling him a womaniser and what not, we should shower accolades on him. It was a contribution to the national cause.

Let me reiterate that this is not a political opinion my dear readers. I don’t intend to demean any of the Prime Ministers that came after Panditji. I am just saying that had Jawaharlal Nehru been the Prime Minister or India in 2020, Doland would not have brought Melania with him to the Namasthe Trump event. Just saying.

***

That is all for the tenth edition of Mann ki Blog my dear readers. I cannot believe that this is already the tenth edition. Three of them are actually readable. Not bad. I will see you soon with another edition. In case you have not read already, I wrote a small piece about my father (Arrogance) a couple of weeks ago. Do read if you have time. No pressure. If you have been following my addictions, I am glad to inform you that I managed to stay away from Coke for 36 days now. I intend to keep going. You fellows stay safe and keep eating healthy food. No need to go all vegan. Just keep the junk food away for now. Oh yes, talking about food, the Rhesus monkey upstairs ate just the chunks of white chocolate and left most the cookie. That was rather unexpected and left both me and my wife puzzled. We did not know how to interpret that and finally decided not to worry too much about the whole thing. After all, how smart can a dumb monkey be? I mean, look at that face:

Thanks for reading.

***

Hello my dear readers. It is me again. Just checking in on you. With all that had happened and still happening in the country, I hope you are all staying safe and taking care of yourself. So much had happened since the last Mann ki Blog. I don’t know where to start and what to say. Personally, the last few months have been rather hectic for me to say the least. I lost some weight, gained some again, got COVID, recovered from it, and yes I also got married to the loveliest person in the world. The marriage story deserves a blog post of its own so let me save it for another time.

In the meantime however, I am inclined to share my thoughts on something that I feel is slowly but steadily steering this country, and possibly humanity, into a path of self destruction and possibly eternal damnation. No, I am definitely not exaggerating. I am confident that we all are capable of dealing with silly issues like crony-capitalism, pseudo-secularism, hyper-nationalism and the rather confusing – Pawanism. But the thing that requires our immediate attention is – ‘Mental Health’. Now before you start praising me (like people often do if anyone talks about Mental Health), I suggest that you read the next few paragraphs. I do admit that I have a tendency to make over-the-top claims that matters that just bother me, also have an effect on the entire world, or even the universe. So let me try and stay on track and not indulge in digressions.

I am of the considered view my dear readers that celebrities/influencers should stop talking about mental health. All of them. I don’t know what they intend to achieve but I feel they did and are still doing so much harm to the society by talking about mental health. I have seen the effects of anxiety and depression first hand and I know that they require professional intervention. I am not saying that I am an expert on the subject. I am just saying – neither are the celebrities/ influencers.

I cannot make such declarations and not explain myself. So here you go – celebrities/influencers talking about depression & anxiety brought the discussion into the mainstream and has basically confused people who are bummed or nervous into thinking that they suffer from clinical depression or anxiety disorder. People are simply forgetting that consequences to stupid decisions result in failure or embarrassment which will cause any human being to feel bad. It is not depression. It is called being sad. When you fail at something, if something horrible happens to you or if something that you wish had happened did not happen, you feel sad. When something important is coming up, you feel nervous and anxious. These are not to be confused with clinical depression and anxiety disorders. By “being brave” and “openly talking” about these things, celebrities have made people, especially youngsters like me believe that we are not just sad and nervous but are depressed and anxious. This is allowing people like me abandon any kind of responsibility for our actions and a believe that we are victims of circumstance.

What I am saying my dear readers is basically that every bad feeling or a negative emotion is not a mental disorder. Just because a celebrity says he/she has it, doesn’t mean you also should. The same applies to the ownership of a commodity (jewellery, beauty products), lifestyle (vacations, weddings) or a mental disorder (depression, anxiety). If you really think about it, it has almost become a necessity for celebrities to have and talk about mental health to become a celebrity. Shah Rukh Khan talking about going into “depression mode” after a shoulder injury is brave it seems. 

Feeling sad after a bad film bombs at the box office is called being bummed – it is not depression. I mean, I felt really bummed after my arm got fractured back when I was in 8th class. I know for a fact that it was not depression. I felt nervous before my JEE result. That was definitely not anxiety disorder. If everyone keeps brooding over like they are the hero in a DC movie, what would happen to this world?!

One can argue that the celebrities/influencers just want to shed light on the stigmas or taboos or whatever attached to mental health. Fair enough. But why don’t they also talk about sexually transmitted diseases or drug abuse. Why don’t they talk about yeast infections, urinary tract infections or prostate cancers. Because those things are not cool enough. Don’t be fooled my dear readers. We don’t need therapy for everything. We should deal with things. If we are feeling sad, okay let’s be sad. We should take responsibility for our actions and realise that our actions have consequences. Sometimes the universe may also screw with you for no reason. The system is rigged and one cannot expect life to be fair. As far as the issue of mental health is concerned, we should all come together and try to increase the stigma around it.

Why are we not in a position to talk to our family or friends about things bothering us? Is it not because of decline in the quality of interpersonal relations in recent times? This is in turn is having a direct impact on the rise in issues of mental health (especially the celebrity induced variant). Let us stop believing by default, without any professional diagnosis, that we have mental issues. Let us leave the professionals to help those who are actually in need. Meanwhile, let us not fight over trivial things with strangers, let us not compare our lives with others and let us try to inculcate good friendships. Like our beloved Prime Minister and Father of the Nation – Modi-ji said:

“Peace, unity and harmony are useful in family, life, society and for the nation. And to all those who believe in Vasudhaive Kutumbakam, the whole world is one.”

When Modi-ji says something, you better believe it Mitron.

***

Let me clarify my dear readers that I am currently in the process of working on myself. I am learning that it is a long and arduous process. I am up for the battle. It does get a bit complicated because people (especially my wife) have told me that I have anger issues. I know that I get angry sometimes. Does that really mean I have anger issues? Don’t people get angry sometimes? Isn’t anger a valid emotion? Balakot happened only because Modi-ji got angry after Pulwama. Why can’t we accept that some things are just the way they are. We don’t have to go on doing research on every phenomenon. Tell me this – why aren’t there any female Swiggy delivery persons? Why aren’t there any Muslim heroes in Tollywood? There will probably be valid scientific and sociological explanations to these questions. But my point is that there is no need to go poking for answers and solutions for everything. Some things are just the way they are. Accept this and let us not try to hijack all narratives and place ourselves at the centre of everything.

It does not mean that I am an angry asshole all the time. I don’t want to toot my own horn but I am very empathetic my dear readers. Let me illustrate – few years ago when I was working for a bank, one of my co-workers in the credit-risk department was a nice older lady who wasn’t liked very much by the others. She had always been nice and kind to me and I had immense respect for her. One day she brought a big imported chocolate for me. After eagerly taking a bite I read the label and realised that it was past the expiry date. She was very happy that I seemed to enjoy the chocolate so I ate it in front of her just so she would not feel bad. I even told her that the chocolate was delicious. Would someone without empathy do such a thing my dear readers? I don’t think so. I mean, that is basically like risking my life for someone else. To this day, eating that chocolate is one of the bravest things I have done in my life.

That is all for this edition of Mann ki Blog my dear readers. I do have some more things to say but that it mostly about my life and updates so you can stop here and come back next time. Please do share your thoughts and feedback with me and help me become better. Share this post with your friends and family if you feel they might find it interesting. As much as possible, try to avoid eating expired chocolate. 

***

Since I have named this Mann ki Blog, I thought I should carve out a small section for myself, what I am up to and how life is in general. I wouldn’t mind at all you didn’t read this. To be honest, I would be surprised if you had come this far.

Like I was saying earlier, the last few months have been very very hectic both on a personal level and professional. I got married in January and my brother in April. That means my mom’s happy, which is a good thing. Work wise, things were mostly busy as usual but I did get the much awaited transfer order to a place I am looking forward to go. While my movement might get delayed due to the pandemic and all, there is nothing to complain at all. I do keep reminding myself that in times like these, I’m lucky to have a safe and secure job. Let’s try and keep it that way.

There were several deaths in close circles during this second wave. So many heartbreaking and tragic stories. A friend lost her husband who is barely 34. My mother’s best friend Sudha aunty passed away. I knew her ever since I was a child. I’m sure there are countless stories like this. I don’t know what to say or what to even think about all this. At the expense of sounding cliche, there were several moments, especially in the last one month when I felt grateful for simply being alive. I got to spend a month at my hometown eating my mom’s food. I cannot not be grateful for that.

I have been trying for quite sometime now to work on certain things of my life, like my anger as I was talking earlier. I’m trying get over my coke addiction (coke that you drink, not snort). I do waste time on Twitter and Indian Express telling myself that it’s a guilty pleasure while filling my mind with garbage. I’ve already stopped doing that. There are several others which I cannot share here, at least not yet. I am trying to spend more time doing things that I actually enjoy and give me joy. Any suggestions in this regard are very much welcome. I’ve listened to Stephen Fry’s Troy on Audible which is nothing short of spectacular. I will try and keep writing things like this more regularly. So that is that I guess. Thanks and see you next time.

Hello everyone. How are you doing? Did you miss me? That is so sweet of you. But please understand that contrary to popular opinion I do have a life and on rare occasions, that life keeps me busy. Hence the delay. I hope everyone is safe. Times are tough due to the pandemic and tougher due to the news media. Try not to be infected by them.

Dear readers, today I am going to share some of my feelings with you. For the past few weeks, certain thoughts have kept me awake at night and occupied during the day. Some truths are present right in-front of your eyes but there will be an overwhelming feeling of uneasiness because you need something more than the evident truth. You need reason. Yes, my dear readers, you guessed it right (or not, I do not know). I am talking about why people seemed to have stopped smoking pipes.

I am absolutely clueless trying to comprehend the reasons for this unfortunate development. I have checked and verified that there is no statutory ban or anything on smoking pipes. Why did people simply stop? Everyone is smoking cigarettes (both normal and rhea varieties), cigars, hukkas (hookas), beedis etc., completely forgetting the beautiful, regal, elegant, suave and sophisticated pipes. While it is true that I do not smoke and have no intention of taking up the habit, I do admit that smoking makes ordinary people look cool. But pipes, my dear readers, pipes are another level only.

Picture great personalities such as Mark Twain, Bertrand Russel, Albert Einstein, Jean Paul Sartre, Elvis Presley, Joseph Stalin, Mohammed Ali Jinnah, Sherlock Holmes, Popeye (the sailor) and Juno. Yes, the last three may be fictional characters but that only substantiates my contention. I stand by the opinion that smoking pipes is and remains to be most appropriate way of smoking and it is a shame that the practice is not as prevalent as it used to be. If you still need more proof, look at the pictures below:

If this does not convince you dear readers, I do not know what will. Assuming that we are all on the same page here, my proposition is this – kindly bring back pipe smoking into the mainstream. Pipes are not even that costly. They can be reused and are eco-friendly. Well, smoking does cause cancer and death but this is basically being eco-friendly with extra steps. I mean if you are anyway going to cough your way into an early death, why not do it in style?! Am I right or what?!

Moving on from pipe smoking, I have to acknowledge my dear readers that I have not kept my promise of sharing my brilliant idea for a mobile App with you. In the last two editions of the Mann ki Blog, I teased that this is a super hit idea but now I have understood the downsides of my idea and accepted that it is not great idea after all. But this is platform where I share not just my genius but also my failures. I am also a human being like you and even I err sometimes, rarely but certainly.

See, the idea that I had was developing an App for dogs/cats to find suitable partners/mates. My intension was to develop an App similar to Tinder but for dogs/cats instead of humans. I thought that it could be used for cows also but then I immediately realised that it was against our culture. As far as cats/dogs are concerned, my App – Tender (like Tinder), I hoped would place the power of selecting or declining a potential mate in the hands paws of the canines/felines. However, I could not then foresee the disastrous outcome of this idea. 

Apart from the possibility of the cute paws of the animals scratching your mobile screens while swiping left-right, the disastrous outcome I could not foresee initially was how Tender would simply be a platform used by the owners to choose the partner/mate that they find suitable for their pets giving little (or no) freedom to the animals themselves to choose. This, my dear readers, is the exact opposite to the outcome that I had envisaged when I came up with the idea for Tender. In fact now that I think of it, Tender would not be Tinder for pets. It would be Bharat Matrimony or Shaadi.com, with owners (parents) making all the decisions.

This is the reason my dear readers I have not shared my App idea with you. I sincerely apologise for disappointing you. However, I can assure you that I am coming up with a new App, the idea for which is still being finalised. But since I do not want to keep you waiting this time, without delving into details, I will simply state that this App would help in calculating the exact amount of money that you can give to a beggar by simply scanning his/her face. The powerful algorithm takes into account various variables including the age and sex of the beggar, whether or not their limbs are intact, how much salary you earn, how many days are left till you get your salary, have you done any sins that need atonement etc. I am still working on these variables and a concrete proposal for the App would be shared free of cost on a future edition of Mann ki Blog. It would be glad if an Indian company develops the App because I want to see our great nation win the global Alms Race. Hehe.

That would be all this time my dear readers. Once again I request you all to please try and bring pipe smoking back into the mainstream. It is not an impossible task so please do not feel that it cannot be achieved. Like they say, there is always a can in cancer.

Hello my dear readers. It’s me again, just checking in on you. How are you? Times are tough. I hope you are taking care of yourselves. If you have read the previous edition of Mann ki Blog (#6) and by chance if you remember what I said at the end, I have to apologise because I will not be sharing my million dollar app ideas today. That will have to wait because there are more important things that I have to address here. 

For those of you who do not know me personally, let me just say that I am not known to be a very friendly person. Some have even called me silent and brooding. But that is not true my dear readers. I only appear like that because I do most of the talking in my head and spend significant amounts of time judging others and then analysing that judgement. That is what I want to talk today my dear readers. But before I go any further, this edition of Mann ki Blog has some references to flatulence and releasing of intestinal gases. So if you are someone who is repulsed by such things, please stop now and go back to whatever non repulsive things that you are doing/watching on the internet.

Aah, so you decided to stay. Great!

It all began last weekend when I was at the mall. More precisely, when I was in the washroom at the mall. Just to clarify, I did not go to the mall for going to the washroom but that could very well be a reason to go to these malls. Because they have fancy washrooms. So, when I was in the washroom washing my hands after taking a leak, an elderly gentleman stepped in and walked to a stall near the corner. He seemed to be around 50 years of age. He kind of resembled Ravi Shastri. We did not exchange any glances but we both were aware of the presence of the other. Then, without a slight hint, he farted! It wasn’t anything worthwhile. Just a casual fart. If that fart was a birthday greeting, it wasn’t an Archies or Hallmark card. It was simple ‘HBD bro’ message on WhatsApp.

Before going any further, let me just say my dear readers – When I started this blog more than a decade ago, I never thought that one day I would be describing a stranger’s fart to you all. Life is really strange. Anything can happen. 

Anyway, after the Ravi Shastri looking uncle let go of his bottom burp, for a brief second there was absolute silence. Like how you must be feeling after reading this, I was absolutely disgusted. I waved my hand in front of the tap sensor so that the water would start again but it did not. More silence. He then came silently towards the taps, washed his hands and left. I was left there stunned. Stunned not at the uninhibited manner in which he baked the air biscuit, but at my own self. Why was I so disgusted? Why did I react like that instinctively? As the stinker cleared from the room, so did the clouds in my head. My whole perspective on life began to change my dear readers. I began to think clearly.

I began to de-construct my thought process and simultaneously put my self in his shoes. First thing I realised – he was apparently holding it in for quite some time. He managed to hold it in until he reached the washroom. That was indeed heroic. It was Martin Luther King Jr. who said: “The time is always right to do what is right.” (At least according to brainyquote.com, that is what he said) The Ravi Shastri looking uncle did the right thing. My disgust instantly turned into respect.

Had he farted inside some restaurant, or a book store, or in a shoe store or even a saloon, that is a different story. But he was kind enough, generous enough and considerate enough to hold it in until he was in the washroom. Even then I had the nerve to judge the man. I felt ashamed. Ravi Shastri uncle must have worked hard in his life, raised a family, paid taxes and still got screwed by his boss, his family and life in general. Shouldn’t he at least fart in peace in the washroom without being judged by assholes like me? Of course he can. He is worthy of it. He earned it. That little fart is a call for freedom and a tribute to mankind.

The world needs to change my dear readers and I decided to start by changing myself. But like our PM says, he cannot change the country all by himself. He needs the support of each and every one us. In the same way, I need everyone’s support. Everyone should come together and support the cause: #StopFartShaming.

You know what is amazing my dear readers. By Divine intervention, the climate seems to be ripe for this campaign. People are already mandated to wear masks everywhere. This is a blessing in disguise. What better time to slowly transition into a world where Ravi Shastri can fart in the washrooms as and when he wishes without the fear of being judged. The next time I hear someone fart in the washroom, I will take a moment to show the man some respect. I might even salute the guy. Hell, I might even fart back to display my approbation.

Moving on from Ravi Shastri, I would like to share my thoughts on how this COVID-19 pandemic, accompanied by the lockdowns and restrictions exacerbated the divide in our society. The rich & the poor, pseudo-liberals and nationalists, Mukesh & Anil so on. The demarcation of the borders between groups have never been clearer my dear readers (Note: Not applicable to the LAC). However, these unforeseen challenges were turned into opportunities by certain groups, who were looked down upon until now, who showed the world what they are really made of.

In this context, I would like to take a minute and tip my hat to one group in particular which proved to be a ray of hope at a time when no one else was able to deliver. No my dear readers, I am not talking about the medical professionals or the sanitation workers. I am talking about a group that I call the perverted paparazzi.

Remember the world before COVID-19, when ordinary paparazzi used to flock the airports, gyms and other celebrity hangouts to take candid pictures of up and coming actresses? These paparazzi people were compared to vultures and rats, often accurately. However, after the onset of COVID-19, most of them went into the burrows because they had nothing to do. As the actresses began wearing masks and oversized sunglasses, even those ‘vultures’ who were out in the open failed to identify the true identity of the person behind the mask. It was at this juncture my dear readers that the perverted paparazzi entered the field, separating the men from the boys, or should I say, the perverted men from the normal men.

They are now objectifying identifying actresses left and right (also front and back) even though their faces are covered with masks, sunglasses, hats etc. Jealous rivals have even started a rumour that these perverted paparazzi are using some kind of an algorithm for this. But only God knows that it is just old school perversion. Remember how everyone looked down upon them when Deepika Padukone made a big hue and cry about tabloids sharing her cleavage photos. Now they are the only ones who are able to identify her, obviously not by her face. Not just her, they are able to accurately identify actresses like Ileana, Ayesha Takia, Urvashi Rautela while their entire faces were covered. I recently came to know of an actress called Anveshi Jain whom these people have identified while she was wearing a hijab. When people say “Talent knows no bounds” this is what they are talking about. Must respect.

That is all for now my dear readers. Before I end this edition of Mann ki Blog, I have to say that I am a little disappointed in myself. I promised to you that I will share app ideas but I could not. So I want to leave you with at least a decent business idea which I feel is definitely profitable. It will also encourage local manufacturing in consonance with PM’s new “Atmanirbhar Bharat Mission.”

Listen to my pitch. There is some study proving that COVID-19 could also be transmitted through air. This is possibly why we are made to wear a masks to cover the mouth and nose. But as you know, like Ravi Shastri had shown in the washroom, there are other places in the human body that would need proper covering. Therefore I present to you my dear readers, the idea for N95 underwears.

You are welcome.

Hello my dear readers. It is me again. Just checking in on you. I hope you are all safe. I am very frustrated this week my dear readers. India is now in third place globally in the number of registered COVID-19 cases. I cannot believe that we let this happen. This is what happens if we forget our culture and ignore the lessons that hundreds of years heritage had taught us. It was all so simple but the authorities failed miserably. All they had to do is follow the basic two step approach. First, ensure social distancing. Second, isolate the people who are infected. I agree that they did indeed aim for this to happen. But they could not get the message across to the public. This type of information should be spoon-fed to our people. You have to tell them in a way that would make them clearly understand what is to be done.

I know it is a little late now but let me share my two ideas in this regard:

One, tell everyone to treat everyone else the way we have treated Dalits for all these centuries. This message would make it easy for every one to understand what social distancing is. One tweet from the PM on these lines and the entire country would go, “Ohh..so that is what social distancing means. Why did not you say this earlier?” There is a reason our tradition and culture had the concept of untouchability. But still, we failed to make use of it, the one time we really needed to. Centuries and centuries of practice wasted. Sigh.

But is is still okay my dear readers. Our tradition and culture is so farsighted that we have another option ready if the above idea fails, like it actually did. What to do when someone unfortunately tests positive for COVID-19? You have to isolate them. But how do we get this message across to the people? Simple. My second idea:

Tell everyone to treat infected persons the way we treated menstruating women. This is pretty much self-explanatory. No? You still need explanation? Okay, what I mean is, make them sit in an isolated room or some corner of the house and do not let them do or touch anything. We were basically home quarantining them before we even knew what that meant.

It is never too late my dear readers. Share this message with as many people as possible. Not for more site visits for my blog but for the sake of our country. I beg you.

You might feel that my message about Dalits is a bit insensitive. But do not worry readers. I am allowed to make such statements. It is like black rappers using the ’N’ word – NI**ER in their songs or Germans using the ’N’ word – N*ZI in their literature or Balakrishna using the ’N’ word – NANDA**RI in his speeches, dialogues, songs and everything else. 

Anyway, we all need some inspiration during these testing times my dear readers. That is why I started reading about Malala Yousafzai. Remember her? Yes, that little girl. SWAT valley, Pakistan, Taliban, girls education etc. She is now 23 years old my dear readers. Can you believe that? She excelled in academics, graduating from some prestigious UK University. Obviously!! 

While that is indeed commendable, I have to admit that I have a feeling that she did get some indirect help from her history. I am not saying she was given free marks by her lecturers but still dear readers, you imagine being Malala’s lecturer in college. Wouldn’t you give her few extra marks in her internal exams and vivas. She is a terror attack survivor, author of an international bestseller, world renowned activist for girls education etc. and you are the one judging her work and grading her papers? Would you ever fail her? I don’t think so.

If you think that Malala’s lecturers have a tough life, imagine being Malala’s boyfriend. I mean, like I said, she is 23 years old now. Try to imagine being her boyfriend. How can anyone not be intimidated by her. You know what is worse? What if you get into a fight with her? Couples do fight sometimes right? Even Naga Chaitanya and Samantha fight sometimes, probably over Siddharth. My point is, couples fight! What if Malala and her boyfriend fight and break-up? How can he ever live in this society?

He: We used to fight sometimes.

Society: You mean you fought with her?

He: No, I mean we both fought with each other.

Society: You mean you FOUGHT with her??

He: No, we both foug….

Society: SHE HAS A NOBLE PEACE PRIZE YOU ASSHOLE!!!

He: …..

Is there any way that guy can ever find another girl? He cannot simply put the blame of the break-up on his ex-girl friend – in this case, Malala Yousafzai. I mean what can he even say on a date with a new girl?

New Girl: Tell me about your ex-girlfriend

He: She’s…. sometimes we fought

New Girl: That’s common. It’s natural for couples to figh…

He: Her name is Malala Yousufzai

She: **throws coffee on face and then throws the coffee cup also**

I think I should now stop reading about Malala and thinking about her hypothetical boyfriend’s problems and worry more about my own issues. 

That is all for now my dear readers. I have a couple of App ideas that can make you millionaires. I will share them next time. Tata.

Hello my dear readers. Did I ever tell you the reason why I do not use elevators anymore? Wait, did I even tell you that I do not use the elevator? Okay, I will tell you two things today:

One, I do not use elevators. Two, why I do not use the elevator? This however, involves a story. A story involving a small town, a pirated dvd rental shops, Easter Sunday and plain music and by plain music, I mean plain music. If that music was a soup, it would be clear soup. Get it?

If you had ever lived in a small town, you know that it is an entirely different ecosystem. A self-sustaining life source that offers so many things. Little things that fill and fulfil the soul. But one thing, a small town does not offer is PRIVACY. Of course it does not offer so many things like Metro Rail System, Universal Health Care, Casteless Society, Homeless Shelters etc. But those things are not relevant to my story here. I am only talking about privacy. Especially when I was an adolescent teenager, there was always a risk of getting caught by my parents or someone who knew my parents. Not that I was always doing things that had the risk of ‘getting caught’ but still. It was the early 2000s. Come on!!

During that time, I became a regular customer of a pirated VCD/DVD rental place. Shrek 2, Matrix, Laxmi Narasimha etc. But the most fascinating section of the store was undoubtedly the corner where the owner, Mr. Govardhan kept his collection of Malayalam movies. For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about or those of you who are pretending to not know what I am talking about, these Malayalam movies I am talking about are movies starring feminist icons like Shakeela, Reshma, Devika and others who, if you ask me, were way ahead of their times in the new wave of the feminist movement, waaaay ahead. These movies also had hairy chested, men but you instinctively edit them out of your sight (and mind) while watching. Now that I have explained what you people are already very aware of, let me also point out that these movies usually have the worst, by worst I mean plain, random and generic music. If that music was a bakery item, it would be milk bread. You would want to consume it only if it is toasted and accompanied by peanut butter or jam. Got it? No? Okay so if that music is the name AMIT, it would not be worthwhile unless accompanied by the second name SHAH. Otherwise, it is just a generic North Indian name. I think you are getting it now.

But what does all this have to deal with me not using elevators, you might be thinking my dear readers. I will tell you. One day I decided to watch one of those feminist movies. But since it was a small town, the rules do not allow me to simply go and buy/rent such movies. What if Mr. Govardhan was my friend’s dad? Or worse, what if he was my dad’s friend? So after pretending to browse the collection for sometime, I took a VCD of one of those movies and put it inside my pants without anyone looking. But since I was a decent Christian boy who knew stealing was a sin, I took out Rs. 50 from my pocket and gave it to Mr. Govardhan and told him that I found it amongst the VCDs. He was so impressed by my sincerity, at that moment I actually hoped that he should be my friend’s dad. Or better, he should be my dad’s friend. Anyway, just to avoid any kind of suspicion I also rented the movie ‘Deep Blue Sea’ for exploring Jessica Alba the… deep blue sea. What can I say? I was a curious teenager.

For the next few days, and nights, I got a peek into the lives of those inspirational feminist women. Truly inspirational. However, unbeknownst to me, that music, that plain music got incepted into my mind. If that music was a viral infection, it would be common cold.

After few months while visiting my uncle’s place for Easter in a city nearby, I got into an elevator for the first time. They lived on the 8th floor of an apartment building. As soon as the elevator door closed, the music started. It was the same music. The music that was incepted in my mind during the most formative years of my life. That plain music. If that music was a beverage, it would be tap water, at room temperature. Some circuits in my brain got activated by that music leading to unforeseen outcomes. The human body is a strange thing indeed and let’s just say that by the time I reached the 8th floor, the elevator was not the only thing that had risen. No, I am talking about Jesus Christ, the lord and saviour.

Several years had passed after that Easter Sunday. I moved on from that small town to smaller cities, to a state capital and then to the national capital. Everywhere I went, in every city, it was always that stupid music inside the elevators and every time, I had the same problem. It was especially awkward and embarrassing when there were people in the same elevator. It was not just embarrassing but was becoming highly risky, considering the #MeToo incidents. What would happen, if I was arrested for some kind of harassment? There was no way I could explain what was going on with me in a court of law. I could ask the judge to play that music and see for himself/herself but that would be humiliating to say the least. So I began to wonder if I should give up on using elevators once and for all. Then on one fateful day, I took that decision.

Like I said earlier, I moved to a national capital. My new office was in an iconic/colonial monument. The building has a history of close to 90 years having seen the downfall of an empire and the birth of the largest democracy in the world. On my first day in the office, due to some renovations, I had to take the elevator to reach my room. Otherwise, I had to walk across to the other end of the corridor to take the stairs. So, the elevator I had to take, and my dear readers, what a blunder it was. When the doors of the elevators closed, it was that damn music again, the exact same music – the clear soup, the Amit, the common cold and the tap water. Just as I was feeling sort of relieved that I was alone in the elevator, the doors opened and in walked my boss, who happens to be a Malayali woman. Karma is a Hound of Baskerville. That moment, I regretted my decision to watch that feminist movie and apologised to Mr. Govardhan telepathically.

It was all because of that damn music, the stupid plain music. If that music was a dosa, it would be, well, it would be plain dosa, without chutney or sambar.