Category: Mann ki Blog

Hello my dear readers and welcome to another edition of Mann ki blog, where I talk about unimportant things and waste your time. In case you are wondering why I have not been active on this blog lately, even though I am feeling little shy, I have to tell you that I am trying my hand at writing a six-part fictional series. I will post the first part as soon as possible. In this edition, I would like to talk about an incident that made me question (for the millionth time) what morality is and wonder pointlessly about my own morality.

My boss was absent to work that day and I came to know from my colleagues that his mother had passed away the previous night. He is one of the the kindest persons I have met in my life and undoubtedly the best boss I ever had. I genuinely felt bad for him. I might be socially awkward but not entirely apathetic. Please keep in mind that I will not try and justify my actions. I do not even know if there is anything to justify. At the same time I cannot lie to myself. As I said, I felt genuinely bad for my boss but immediately, like always, began to calculate his mother’s age to compare it with the life expectancy of the country. I some how feel that the volume of grief should be proportional to that ratio. That day however, something unusual happened.

Part of my job then was to prepare the Structural liquidity statement (SLS) of the bank everyday. Even though I prepare several other reports and notes, SLS was what I was famous for. On that particular day, I did not feel like doing it. Maybe it was because the news of death ignited thoughts about life, pushing me down an existential crisis, making me question how the bank’s liquidity position for the day will add meaning to my life or may be I was plain bored. I do not know. Whatever the reason was, I decided to do something. I suggested to my colleagues that we should all go and visit my boss at his home. Everyone liked it and even appreciated me for coming up with the idea. Did I do it out of concern for my boss? Was it just to escape work? Yes and yes.

There is something magical about leaving work (or school) on a working day. By the time we reached, there were already so many people. They have not taken the body away yet so some people were still crying and some people were making arrangements. Some of my seniors went and spoke with my boss who looked very tired. I stood at the back of our group and did not say anything to anyone. We stayed there for about half an hour and returned. I did not feel like going back to the office. I wanted to stay a little longer.

As soon as I began working on the liquidity statement, a thought came to me. It made me wonder. Wonder what was wrong with me. I was willing to spend time in a group that was mourning, near a dead body, listening to people cry, instead of being at my desk working. I was even willing stay a little longer. What the hell is wrong with me? Is it because I hate my job so much? Or am I immoral? Do I feel guilty about it? Was I disrespectful to my boss?

Morality is confusing in that way. It is a strange thing. Ethical relativism says that the so called ethics and values are dependent on time and space. They cannot be applicable universally. Then there are those ethical nihilists who basically do not give a fuck at all. However, moral high ground, from my limited understanding, comes from the position that you are in rather than what the incident is. For example, one of you readers could be an animal rapist, a kidnapper or a wife beater but you can still take the moral high ground while deciding that what I did was immoral.

Elaborating on that, if someone arrogantly blocks the road with their vehicle causing a traffic jam, everyone stuck there would definitely blame that person irrespective their eligibility. A child molestor, probably still molesting a child in the car will still take the moral high ground while judging the guy who caused the traffic jam. I am not saying that it is right or wrong. I am just pointing out that it is what that happens. There are no degrees and levels.

“Don’t these people have common sense?” the child molestor might even say.

What is the lesson from the whole experience? Nothing really. I did however waste my time, first thinking about it and then writing about it. As if that was not enough, I wasted your time by making you read about it. But to be fair, events like these demonstrate time and again how complex things can really be and how nothing can be evaluated on their face value. They make me better appreciate the simpler things.

Before concluding, I have to tell you this: later that night, my boss texted everyone thanking us for visiting. Such a true gentleman he is. It is that text message which made me write all this.

So that is all for this edition my dear readers. My apologies if you find this boring and pointless. I hope to see you next time. Leaving morality for moment, here is a great advice for you,

If you ever feel like testing your activity-tracker/step-counter, ask a guy in a wheelchair to wear it for a day. If it is an accurate device, by the end of the day, it should show zero steps.

HahahahaSorryhahaha…

Hello there my dear reader and welcome to the third edition of Mann ki blog. You have made a wise decision by opening the link. I admit I am not entirely prepared or have much idea about what I want to talk in this edition. But I assure you by the end of it, you will not be disappointed. Atleast you will not feel like you have wasted your time. Atleast you will smile here and there. I don’t know okay. Let’s just see how this goes.

Even though it is a personal loss for me, I won’t be talking about Samantha and Naga Chaitanya (the South Indian Abhishek Bachchan. Lucky fellow) getting engaged. Good for them. I will however like to have an opinion on those people who attacked Sanjay Leela Bansali for allegedly shooting intimate scenes in some historical movie. Before I voice my opinion, I usually ask myself three questions. I did the same here also.

1. Does my opinion matter to anyone?
2. Will my opinion change or influence anyone?
3. Does the incident effect me in any way?

Even though the answer to all these questions is a big ‘NO,’ like the pretentious asshole that I am, I chose to give my opinion anyway. My only problem however with everything that had happened is that I will be missing out on those intimate scenes. I have to make it clear that my inclination towards romance is significantly more than my opposition to violence. Those attackers don’t  have any feelings or what?! I mean it is Deepika Padukone man. Have you seen her in Ram-Leela? May be they wanted someone else I think. Katrina Kaif may be. Not that I will watch the movie anyway, but some guy somewhere will definitely make a compilation of all those scenes and upload on YouTube. God bless such people.

I might come across as a pervert here I know. I am walking on a tight rope but let me try and clarify a little bit. I confess, while most people were rooting for Vijay Malya to be brought back to India to face charges, I was more worried about the future of the Kingfisher calendar. But I did not like (or endorse) that cleavage controversy in Times of India. I never used that red laser light in cinema halls to point at boobs and such. I never ever stalked or teased girls in public transports. But these scenes are done by the actresses themselves. Watching them will not make me a pervert. It is what it is. If at all, I am who one might call an indoor-pervert or better, a domestic-pervert, which is in no way harmful to anyone. I will go ahead and say that if only more people were like me, the world would be a better place to live. I doesn’t matter what one thinks of me, all I want say is, don’t fight over such things people. Try to inculcate a dirty mind. It solves many problems.

But what to do man?! Days are changing. Friends of dead chief ministers are becoming new chief ministers (Note to self: Value friendships and try not  to be obese) Things are not as they used to be. Few days back I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and you won’t believe what they are selling there. ‘Break-up party Eclair’ it seems. What is a break-up party? Why would anyone name an eclair like that? There are few events in life that shape our attitude and help build our character. Failing in an important exam, death of a close family member and break up with someone who meant something to you. These things are not to be taken casually. Back in my day, we never celebrated our break-ups. Kids these days are not capable of dealing with the sadness I think. You have to be sad, fellows. That is how you experience life. Even item songs in those days used to speak about love and its greatness. The hero used to go to a dhaba to get drunk (I am not endorsing alcoholism) and the item girl used to start a debate (in skimpy clothes) about the Pros and Cons of love. Now it is all about Rathalu and Chokka bothalu and such. No wonder children are losing perspective I say. Please bring back those item songs and if possible bring back those item girls also.

I cannot honestly understand how a person can be in love with someone when he/she will not be sad if at all the relationship does not work out. It is nothing but undermining the relationship itself. Kids must understand that it is okay to feel sad. In fact one should be glad about having their heart broken because if we are willing to learn, it teaches us more about ourselves than about the other person. It will also, make Ilayaraaja’s music much more beautiful than it is. So embrace the tragedy.

Moving on now, a friend of mine, who is a good writer, recently told me that she would never start a blog because she did not want to face critics, if any. Sometimes in my office washroom or in any public washroom, whenever someone farts, I used to feel disgusted. Now that I think of it (please don’t ask why I would even think of such things) it is after all in the washroom. Where else can someone fart in peace with out being judged if not in a washroom? Writing silly blog posts about random things, for me is the equivalent of those middle aged uncles farting in washrooms. What a stupid comparison!! There will always be people who won’t approve of it. But there will also be people who just listen (read, in this case) and move on without giving it much thought. My point is that we should not be afraid of being judged in life. People judge no matter what we do. At least be judged doing what you love. If you feel like writing, keep writing. If you feel like farting also, same.

I will end on that lovely note my dear readers. I know that not many useful things are discussed today so let me tell you about an interesting observation I made.

How many of you are born in September? Rise your hands. It is the 9th month of the year right? Which means that there is a huge probability that you are your parents’ ‘New Year Resolution’ Hehehe.. Congratulations!! See you next time.

P.S.  Wait wait, I have to tell you. I am also born in September. But considering how I have turned out, I believe I am more of a Christmas miracle 🙂

Hello my sexy reader. Welcome to the second edition of Mann ki Blog, my futile attempt at being funny and insightful about daily life events. I know. Pathetic.

First, let me ask you something. Do you know any couple (who’s wedding you have attended) that got divorced? I do. Boy I was fascinated to know that. Why you ask? I will tell you my lovely reader. The guy was gay it seems. No, I am not kidding. There was also talk about him beating that poor girl, but the main reason was that he’s super duper gay. We normally just read about such things in news but imagine this happening to someone you know. Wow. Anyhow, this naturally got me thinking. Why did he get married in the first place? I have a childhood friend who is a lesbian, don’t ask me who. She is from a small town and now is facing the pressure from her family to get married, which she couldn’t do for obvious reasons. Her girl friend is facing the same problem. What can one do in this situation dear reader? Fear not for I have thought of a solution.

Introducing my App idea #1 “Homo-alone: Never be alone”

This will be a one stop app for love and marriage. Love with one person and marriage with the other. Let me explain. If you are a girl with a girl friend, find a pair of gay men on the app, meet them, plan and each of you can get married to one of them. Everyone is happy and if all is well, you now have new friends, going out on double dates and picnics and stuff. It is a win-win-win situation as society will stop bothering you. I also spoke about the idea with my very talented (iOS developer) friend. She laughed and compared it to Tinder. It is not at all like Tinder. If you think so, then ANY app is a dating app if only one is desperate enough.

 

 

 

Homo-Alone has the potential to be a game changer especially in the countries where same sex marriages are illegal and others where it is still a taboo. Please note that I do not seek any profits from this idea. It is my gift to the society.

Moving on from gay couples, let me tell you about something that I can never fully understand. Tell me if you have seen this particular scene in an old black and white movie. A middle aged aunty (who might as well be the heroine in those days) receives bad news from a servant about an accident or death of her husband. She drops whatever she is holding and immediately goes,

“Yaaaaavandiiiiiiiiii!!!!!” while covering both her ears with her arms, looking in any random direction. You know what I am talking about right?

 

So, why does she cover her ears? Have you ever seen someone doing it in real life? I have never. I cannot think of one possible reason why anyone would do that? Was it to avoid the loud sound of their own yelling? I honestly cannot tell. Crying in movies has come so far now. From that melodramatic ear covering to tears with pouting lips to howling like a wolf (below) to emotionally looking into the camera (further below) while blabbering heavy dialogues.

 

 

All of these are understandable to some degree but that ear covering will always be a puzzle for me. I can happily live without knowing why Katappa killed Bahubali but this thing will keep bothering me.

If you think that this is not a big deal, wait till you read about my next problem. Almost a month ago, I was talking to my little nephew about different hairstyles and how I got the Abbas haircut when I was in 5th class. Not just me, most kids from my neighbourhood, many kids from my school and I guess several kids in the state got the Abbas haircut. Barbers charged extra for it. We begged our parents for that extra cash. What’s the problem now you ask? I will tell you my dear reader. Always in a hurry silly fellow. If you have been watching TV in recent times, I need not tell you what Abbas is doing now. He is selling Harpic, often ringing door bells and barging into houses, meeting aunties and offering to clean their toilets. How, when and why did this transistion happen man? From Kadal Desam to cleaning toilets. Wow. Last time I saw such a downfall was when Praja Rajyam party’s election results came out. At least Boss is Back now but what about you Abbas? If you are reading this Abbas, I can’t imagine why you would read this, but if you are, Why man? Why are you selling Harpic? You might be making a lot of money no doubt but boy, if my nephew finds out now, you’ll be responsible for the humiliation caused to an entire generation. One of these days, he might probably present me a Harpic bottle and direct me towards the nearest toilet.

Talking about toilets and related professions, you reader must have used a public bathroom and have paid the guy sitting outside a rupee or two right? But have you ever thought about how much a person should fuck up his life in order to end up in a position that he is in. I mean, there are bad jobs and there is that. How will they explain their job profile?

“Ooh me? I collect money from people who is about to poop in public bathrooms.”

Worse, what would their parents or children tell their friends? Sorry if I sound arrogant but there should be something else that they can do. Even cleaning the toilets I feel is a much more respectable job than sitting outside like that. But ya… I know I sound like a jerk. Who am I to judge them anyway. I am an idiot myself. May be they are earning lot more than me. Like those stories you hear on news about beggars having lakhs in their bank accounts. I guess we can never judge a person that easily. Come to think of it, he sits on his chair all day doing nothing. He is basically on a bathroom break all day. He need not even pay for the toilet if he wants to use it. Not bad. Forgive me for so much discussion about bathrooms and toilets. You have to understand that most of my pathbreaking dumb ideas pop up while in the shower and as you can guess, so did most of my thoughts for this post. Hehe.

So that’s all for today my pretty reader. Things are going great so far this year. I hope it does not turn out to be like last year which ended like the Titanic for me. I went to Papikondalu okay?! It started with me feeling like Jack while he shouts “I’m the king of the world.” There was no nude sketching though. The point is, it did not end the way I had hoped. To be honest, by the end of last year, I wasn’t even Jack. I was that guy in the end who slips and hits a pole during the fall before dropping dead in the ocean. Sad.

See you next time my lovely reader. Stay safe.

Hello there. Let me first wish all my dear readers a very Happy New Year. How is it so far? No celebrity deaths so far eh? Oh wait.. Om Puri. Hmm..okay nevermind. But I for one am really excited for this year. I made of list of resolutions too. I know I know… “Resolutions are for kids!!” I too was in that phase once but now, I don’t see anything wrong in having a few fun resolutions. For those of you who did have resolutions, now that a couple of weeks have passed, I know that this is when breaking the resolutions start. So I have cleverly decided to START my resolutions now. That’s right, I have not been eating healthy, reading books, writing more and trying to be more romantic. Haha. I will however start doing those things from now.

I have to admit, being romantic is a lot more difficult than one can imagine. I once chased a train on a bike in the beautiful Araku valley to meet my (ex)girlfriend (who was on the train.) Kind of romantic but definitely stupid!! But now, now it is an entirely different story. For example, I went to Chennai few months back and as soon as I stepped on the platform, realized that it is Trisha’s city. The air immediately felt beautiful. The gentle breeze that was brushing against my lips could be the very air that had touched Trisha. Wowww…wait wait… before I could process this thought, my brain said,

“The air could very well be Karunanidhi’s sneeze. Or worse, Vijaykanth’s fart.”

“What the fuck brain?”

“Haha..Fuck you!!”

Now you know why I need to TRY being romantic. It is a lot of work for me. I can only blame myself though. Taking about blame, ladies and gentlemen, I have finally found out whom to blame for Uday Kiran’s suicide. No it is not fate and no it is definitely not Chiranjeevi & family. Then who? See below.

 

These fellows say that he is the best, that they miss him and they say that he is their favorite. They appear under every Uday Kiran song on YouTube. You assholes, then why the hell did you not go watch his movies? You could’ve saved him. Yes, he made crappy movies no doubt, but if you are so into him, you could’ve watched those movies. I personally have never thought that he was that talented. He got lucky with a few movies which had good music. He entered at a time when there were no good youthful movies and so managed to survive. But you…you think he is the best. No you don’t, you assholes. You don’t spend a rupee if the movies are bad and now you try to show sympathy after he is dead. Shame on you I say. Sigh. Now that I got that off my chest, let me tell you one of my darkest secrets.

I don’t eat Subway sandwiches.

I actually cannot go to Subway. Why you ask? I will tell you why? Firstly, the guy there asks ME what I want in my sandwich and how he should make it. What the fuck? How the hell would I know? I am not a chef. That’s why I came to you man. You are the expert. I don’t know which sauce is tasty or which bread goes with which vegetables. I am not capable of making such decisions. I am 27 years old now and I don’t know what to do in life. I don’t know what I am doing or Why I am doing. You expect me to know what should go into my sandwich? I have never seen or even heard of half the ingredients there. What if it turns out to be garbage? You will only blame me. Is that what I am paying you for?

Also what’s the deal with the bread? There is a neon board outside saying that you bake your own bread. What does that even mean? How is that supposed to influence me? I don’t care if you bake  your own bread or not man. It is definitely not on the list of things I would check while deciding to eat somewhere. I don’t go to Burger King and ask them,

“Do you make your own bread? Tell me because that is important for me.”

I never started eating a Zinger Burger and suddenly wondered,

“Hey, do KFC bake their bread or not!?”

I never told a friend,

“Let’s not eat here. They don’t bake their own bread.” no it never happened. Then why?

Am I thinking too much? I know I know.. I should learn to calm down. But it’s just difficult sometimes man. Let me tell you a story and you’ll know why I cannot stop overthinking.

Last year I went to Bangalore to visit “Wonderla” (yes, don’t judge) and was returning to Hyderabad with my friend Sudheer on a train. Soon after the train left the platform, we saw a man outside, his face covered by some tree branches, his pants down till his knees and with his dick out, jerking off as our train went past him. I am not kidding. It was truly one of the most fucked up things I have seen in my life. Sudheer and I looked at each other and were dumbfound. Even though we didn’t say a word, we both thought,

“What the fuck did we just see?”

What if the kids on the train saw? He was clearly pointing (his dick) towards the train. What if women saw? Or some senior citizens? How did he get there? How dare he? Why is he even doing it? I couldn’t stop thinking. I know I should’ve left that incident there itself. But then… that’s what happens, I think too much. Especially about fucked up things like this. I later wondered what could be going through his mind. Why would someone do that? Imagine the risks. What if his girlfriend/ boyfriend/ wife identifies his dick? Hehe.. What if the railway police catch him? What if the train stopped in front of him? Nothing scared the guy and he kept going. Which means, he loved doing it and was willing to take the risk. Gutsy fellow indeed.

Instead of stopping here, I thought again. I tried to understand what is it that he loved. Is it that he is turned on by strangers watching him? Or.. Or just imagine, is he turned on by trains? Woah!! That IS interesting. So naturally, I tried to recollect how the train looked. Bangalore to Hyderabad express. Pretty ordinary looking train if you ask me. If he was getting aroused because of that, what if he saw Garibh-rath (with the sexy green paint) or even better the Rajdhani express. But then, it is a super fast express so I’m not sure if he could keep up with the speed. What if he saw one of those Trans-Siberian train journey documentaries or those super fast bullet trains of Japan. Those Japanese people sure make some weird things (If you know what I mean.) Oh boy!! The ‘train’ of thought wouldn’t stop (see what I did there?)

Now I hope you understand. If I waste so much time thinking about such things, when will I have time in life for productive things. My friends are getting married one after the other and I am here writing about Uday Kiran and Train-Sexuals. (Hehehe) I have to admit, now that I have talked about it, I think I can forget the whole thing and move on.

I am looking forward to many new things this year and I hope it will be as exciting as the last one. I wish you all the best too. Don’t waste your time like me. But please don’t consider reading my blog as a waste of time. In fact, stop by more often and read my work. Also, please let me know what you think so that I can work on my skills and stuff. I wish you all an year filled with love and laughter and less guys jerking off to trains. If by any chance you are that guy, what the hell bro!?

P.S… Now that I think of it, what if we take him to an airport? If he is so turned on by a train, imagine what would happen if he sees an actual Aeroplane. A Boeing..that shape.. that too with wings… Hehe… Aero-Sexual..Sorry sorry..Okay Bye.