Anuradha 2: A night at the Hospital

Note from the author: This post is a sequel to my earlier post “Anuradha” In case you haven’t read it, make sure did you before reading this… Sudhams

Thursday

Time: 12:00pm

Location: Classroom

67 days since the last time I met her (not that I was counting or anything), Anuradha was almost out of my system and I was busy with my preparation for the final examinations. But that was until two days back when the attender called me to the reception (in the college) in the middle of a physics class. The receptionist showed me a letter and asked me if I was the “Aravind” that the letter was addressed to. I wasn’t sure but for some reason I was hoping that it would be for me. I took the letter and immediately felt like shouting out in joy when I saw the ‘from address’. “Anuradha” was all that I needed to read.

“Yes, it’s for me. Thank you very much.” I said looking at the receptionist.

“The next time they write a letter, ask them to write the address properly.” she said bluntly.

Anu had something that she wanted to tell me and all that she knew was my name and the name of my college (which she might’ve known after our conversation on the terrace). So, she decided to write to me as we don’t have mobile phones.

All that the letter said was:

“I am going to my parents place for a few weeks. The train will be passing by your town at 12:30pm on Thursday. If possible, come to the railway station to meet.”

If possible?? If possible?? What in the world would be of a greater importance than this??

I was waiting for Thursday from that second.

Time: 12:07pm

I was still sitting in the class looking at the clock every 5 seconds waiting for the lunch break which was scheduled at 12:15pm every day. I’d have 15 mins to reach the station (If I take an auto) and can come back by 1:30pm when the break would end. All that I needed to do was to jump over the compound wall when no one was watching. I didn’t even tell this to any of my friends as well. I wanted absolute discretion.

That bell seemed like it was never going to ring until finally after ages it actually did. I ran outside towards the restrooms where the wall is a little shorter and would be easier for me to climb. Just when I was about to proceed with my plan, I heard a voice from behind,

“Aravind…. Aravind…” it was my classmate. “Your mom is here. They’re calling you to the principal’s office.”

What??? Did she know about the letter?? Did somebody knew about my plan and called her up?? I didn’t tell anyone?? What should I tell mom now?? More importantly, how can I meet Anu now??

I was already in the principal’s office before my mind could find the answers for all the questions.

“Hi Aravind. Get your things; your mom wants you to go with her.” The principal told me. My mom looked a little worried but from the looks of it, I was sure it had nothing to do with the letter.

“Where?” I asked my mom.

“Well Grandma is a little sick and Grandpa wants us to com….”

“What???!! Is it serious??” I was really scared.

“No no… it’s nothing to worry about. She’s having that problem with the kidneys again and they took her to the hospital that’s all. Let’s go now.” she said and within minutes we were on the way to my grandparent’s town.

I looked at my mom who stared intently on to the highway as she drove us both. She had always been a strong woman. A lecturer by profession, she also worked for an NGO and helped quite a few women both financially and also in their family disputes. But all that I could see in her eyes that minute was the concern towards her own mother. She was scared. I was scared.

The two hour ride seemed like 10 minutes as I was in my own thoughts. I had wonderful memories with my grandma. She was like any grandma, probably around 70 years old. She is very weak now but when I was a small kid, I remember her being a very energetic and bold grandmother. She used to do most of the gardening herself. She used to give me money every time I visit their place. That was my first pocket as well.  She used to tell me a million stories whenever we used to spend the vacations with them. I used to sleep beside her often and she would talk about her parents and her college before I finally fell asleep. But eventually like any other teenager, I grew up and grandparents were no longer interesting and fun to hang around with.

Time: 2:45pm

When I opened my eyes, the car stopped in front of the hospital. It was a huge building with glass windows. As soon as we parked the car and got out, the maid from my grandparent’s house that saw us coming ran towards us and took the bag that my mom was carrying. She showed us the way and began walking behind us. I followed my mom silently not looking at the other patients and their families. I was silently hoping that grandma would be fine and that we could go back home soon. Hospitals were never my idea of a place to hang out. I cannot bear the smell of the medicines and the thought that several people had died in those rooms before gave me chills.

“Oh good you’re here. Go talk to your father, he’s a little worried.” said the Police uncle who came walking towards us. I understood that he had accompanied them to the hospital. He was a nice man and a good neighbor for over a few decades now. Except a few hiccups, he had always been an understanding family friend. My mom followed him quietly and I walked slowly to my grandfather who was sitting in the chair just outside the glass doors of the ICU (Intensive Care Unit). She sat beside him holding his hand. I didn’t say anything but just stood there trying to figure what was happening inside the ICU.

“Thanks a lot uncle, this means a lot.” said my mom to the Police man and continued to talk to my grandpa “Don’t worry dad, it’s going to be alright.” He didn’t say a word and just nodded. For the first time I saw an unusual fear in eyes. He was afraid of something… afraid of the inevitable. But my heart pleaded otherwise. I wanted things to be alright. This is becoming way too much for me to handle.

“Need anything else grandpa?” I heard a voice approaching us. A voice that I instantly recognized. It was Anu. She was carrying some medicines. I could see some syringes and other bottles through the transparent covers. She saw me and smiled and I smiled back. I forgot everything about her and the letter. What was she doing here?? Wasn’t she supposed be on the train?? Ever since we started in my college, all I was thinking was about my grandma and I forgot all about Anu.

“No, that’ll be all for now.” said the police uncle and took the medicines from her hand and went inside the ICU.

“Thank you so much darling. You have no idea what this means to us.” said my mom to Anu asking her to sit beside her. I continued to stand beside my grandpa looking at Anurahda. I was equally surprised and relieved at the same time. Don’t know why but I felt better seeing Anu there. A little better.

When uncle came out, my mom took him to the reception area spoke with him about the condition of my grandma. I followed them and Anu came walking beside me. I wasn’t sure what I should say to her so I kept quiet. She didn’t say anything either. Uncle enquired if my mom called up her siblings.

“They should be here before it’s too late dear.” he said making it clear that my worst fears are coming true. I had to deal with death for the first time. I had no idea what to do. I was afraid this might happen one day but I wasn’t ready yet. I looked at my mom and knew that she would be strong and would take care of herself. After all she’s the eldest of the children and had always been the care taker of the family. She was in fact the one who resolved the fight with the Police uncle.

Soon after they finished talking, my mom came to me, looked into my eyes and said “I need you to be strong alright?” She knew I heard them talking. I think she was glad she didn’t have to break the news to me.

“Yeah sure.” I shrugged looking down at the floor.

“No look at me. You don’t have to feel bad. She had a happy life.” She walked away slowly soon after I told her that I’d be fine. Uncle and Anu accompanied her and I too followed them back to the waiting room near the ICU. I asked the nurse if I could go in and see my grandma but she politely refused saying that the visiting hours are over and I could see her in the evening.

Time: 7:15pm

“I think you should go home now uncle. Aravind and I can manage. You’ve already done too much.” my mom told uncle as it was getting late.

“Hmmm… it’s time for my medication too. You sure you can manage on your own dear? Shall I leave Anu here to help you? She’s such a sweetheart.” he said looking at his granddaughter with a sense of pride and satisfaction.

She had been of immense support all through the day. It wasn’t just about bringing the medicines. She gave a much needed moral support to my mother and most of all, even though I haven’t talked much with her the entire day, she made me feel peaceful amidst the biggest crisis of my life. I wanted her to stay.

“No no uncle, she’s just a kid. I wouldn’t want her to stay here with us.” My mom refused to accept.

“It’s alright aunty. It won’t be a problem. I’d love to stay and help.” Anu spoke with genuine concern.

“No Anuradha. I think you should go. Thank you so much for being so kind.” My mom offered to walk with them to the parking lot thanking them again and again for being so supportive. I watched them leave sitting in the chair beside my grandpa. Anu looked back and saw me watching her leave and gave a helpless smile. I knew she wanted to stay and help me deal with the situation. She knew I’d be better with her around and she wanted to stay but my mom didn’t want to share the burden with others.

“You can go in now if you want.” I heard a voice. It was the nurse who then showed me the way to the ICU. Thoughts of Anu ran through my head. Can I see my grandma in this position? Things were beginning to get hard to handle. My legs became weak as I stepped into the room. The room was cold and I felt my feet shivering but wasn’t sure if it was because of the air conditioning or the fear. It was my fear.

Her eyes were partly open and there were tubes of all kinds hanging from her face. She was definitely unconscious and was in pale blue colored robes. She was finding it difficult to breathe as I could see her fighting for each breathe even with the mask around her face. It was definitely not the condition one would want to see their beloved in. But I just did and I couldn’t stay there any longer. That was too much already and I was now afraid how I was going to deal with the coming events. I wished I didn’t go in. I didn’t want that to be last memory I have of her. I felt as if I was left alone… helpless. Death can be horrifying. No wonder the world is afraid of it.

Time: 9:24pm

I was sitting in the waiting hall along with my mother. We convinced Grandpa that he need some rest so he left a few minutes ago (along with the maid) to stay with Police uncle for the night. The fact however was that staying there would only make him strain his body and mind. He needed his medication as he has health issues of his own. So mom decided he better not stay at the hospital. So, I was alone with my mom who by now was pretending to be asleep resting on the wall. I was sure she was thinking about her mother. My grandmother.  All she got was a few more hours as the doctors have told her and there we were waiting for my mother’s siblings (a sister and two brothers) to reach the hospital before it was all over. They were already on the way and would reach by dawn tomorrow. I wanted to console my mother but that wasn’t necessary. If anybody needs a support, it was me. I was ashamed of being so weak but I couldn’t help as it was death I was dealing with.

I wanted to remember my grandma as the person who used to tell me stories when I slept beside her as a kid. As somebody who was the first to wish me on my birthdays, Who would pray for me every time I go out to take a test, Who shared her past with us. She always had stories to tell… lots of them. That’s how I wanted to remember her, not like what I’ve seen earlier inside the ICU. Tears began to roll down my face and I tried to fight them back by closing my eyes tight.

“Anuradha? What are you doing here? I told you all this is not necessary.” I opened my eyes to see my mom talking with Anuradha as she stood there in a blue dress smiling inconveniently as my mom resisted her presence.

“It’s alright aunty. Grandpa wanted me to go and I really want to stay here. She said and gave the Tiffin boxes. My mom hugged her and asked her to sit beside her. I was relieved. It felt as if weights are lifted off my body.

Half an hour later, we convinced my mom that she needed a nap. After all, she has been restless the entire afternoon. I was left with Anu for the first time since our arrival.

“How did you convince your grandpa to come here? I know he wouldn’t have asked you himself.” I asked her as we walked towards the balcony at the end of the corridor. I didn’t know a better way to start a conversation.

“Well, I told him that you were a lazy bum and you are of no use.” she said without breaking the sentence and without even smiling.

“What???” I couldn’t help but laugh, for the first time the entire day. It was a rough day indeed.

Then I asked her about the letter she sent and she explained how her journey was canceled as grandma got sick all of a sudden.

“She is really a sweet person. I’ve grown fond of her in the recent weeks.” She told.

“Yeah, I always loved her.” That sight inside the ICU flashed through my mind and I closed my eyes.

“It’s going to be alright Aravind.” She kept her hand on my shoulder looking at me. I felt inconvenient when she began being sympathetic. I didn’t need that. “You should know that she had a long and happy life. That’s what people pray for.”

“Hmmm… yeah. But the thing is, I’m not used to people dying around me… it’s all too much… you know” I tried explaining but I didn’t know what to say.

“You always come here for Christmas, don’t you?” she asked me. I wasn’t expecting that question from her but I really felt the urge to answer it.

“Yes, not all but I remember spending most of the Christmas and New years at my grandparents place. I love it here.”

“Hmm… then you must be having a lot of stories to tell…”

Time: 11:38pm

I have been talking with Anu for almost two hours now and all that I was telling her were stories of how I used to spend my vacations at my grandparents house. She made me talk. We’ve both attended my mom a couple of times bringing her coffee. She said she’ll take a nap before her younger sister arrives which may be a couple of hours.

We had the balcony to ourselves for most of the time. We even talked (Actually I was the one talking) in the corridors and the waiting hall where my mom rested. Strangely, I got used to the Hospital smell. I told Anu about the Sunday morning breakfast with the entire family, the poor beggar who used to wait in front of the house on weekends knowing my grandma was kind enough to feed him for the day, the ice cream man who used to ring a bell that made all the kids from the house run on to the road, the old lady who used to sell toys and several other stories. All that she did was listen. Anuradha, who in no way related to me listened to each and every story that I told her with the enthusiasm that I used to show when my grandma used to tell stories to me. Her eyes glittered and her laughter was pleasing to the eyes and was soothing to the heart.I was letting myself go. I never knew I still remembered most of the stories that I told her.

Not sure if it was her intention or not, but talking to her about all those stories from my childhood, especially those that involved my grandma and me, made me feel good for some reason. I know that things are never going to be the same ever again, but that is what life is all about. What is important is that you need to make sure that your run is worth the while and should leave somebody else with memories they’ll cherish for the rest of their lives. My grandmother did exactly that. With a married life of over45 years and a huge family that adores her, she touched the lives of everyone in one way or the other and they will never forget her. I will never forget her. She’ll always be alive in all those stories that she told me and in all those beautiful memories that she is leaving us with.

“But I didn’t get to say good bye.” I looked at Anu.

“You don’t have to say good bye Aravind.” and then she hugged me. This was not like either of the hugs that we had before. It was a warm, comforting and most of all, a much needed hug.

Time: 12:30am

Police uncle and grandpa came walking in to the waiting hall where the three of us were already waiting. The doctor has said a few minutes ago that it has become critical and all that they could do now was to put her on the Ventilator. This meant that it was already over but they can make her body breath for some more time for the people coming to see her (for the last time). They left the decision to us and my mom immediately called up Police uncle who came (with my Grandpa) rushing in no time. My grandpa was totally upset and it was a difficult decision to make for all of us. My mom began making phone calls. Police uncle and Anu didn’t say a word probably because they wanted the family to decide. I didn’t know what to say either. I want to keep her alive but at what cost? The doctor said that the Ventilator will give the patient immense pain and suffering (the entire respiratory action will be performed by a medical device). I wanted to say no but that would mean asking them to make my Grandmother die… huhhhh… the most difficult situation I was ever in.

“Dad wants to wait for the rest of the family to arrive but that won’t be till tomorrow morning.” My mom came seeking uncle’s advice. He didn’t expect my mom would discuss this with him.

“Oh… but the doctor says it’ll make her suffer… we cannot do that dear.” That was exactly what I was thinking but he didn’t say the key words.

My mother looked at me. I knew she had it in her mind but she wants to hear it from someone else. I didn’t know what to say.

“Don’t use the ventilator or whatever that is aunty. She had a good fight and it is only fair we let her go in peace. That’s what she would want.” Anuradha said making everybody in the room silent. That was what I had in mind but I couldn’t speak that out. No one said anything. My grandfather started to cry silently. My mom looked at Anu for a second without saying anything and then silently sat beside my grandpa trying to console him.

Anu hugged her grandpa and he patted on her back and kissed her on the forehead reassuring that she did the right thing as she began to cry. I stood there looking at the ICU door which was just a few feet away and surprisingly I didn’t think of that horrific image of my grandma in her hospital robes. I saw my grandma smiling at me as she slept beside me telling stories as she cuddled me and played with my hair. That was how I was going to remember her and I wasn’t going to say good bye… ever…

Time: 1:13am

MY GRANDMOTHER DIED

To be continued…..