Cadaverous Rose!!

He had no shape in her mind… Just a manifestation of thoughts

The rustling noises that the corpses make as they burn are not new to her. She lived in the cemetery all her life. She doesn’t remember being outside those high walls. She doesn’t even know that it is forbidden for her to go out into the village. She met people only when they came to burn or bury their loved ones. She saw people cry for their loved ones. She grew up watching people’s love for others without a slightest knowledge of what it feels like to love or to be loved. She never asked questions and so didn’t have a purpose in life.

Her mother died while giving birth to her and was left to drown in the river nearby. They weren’t supposed to have their rituals alongside the others in the village. Her father taught her the duties that are to be performed. “The dead needed to be groomed well before setting them on fire or burying them for the moths to feed on.” He used to laugh. But on a particular dark winter night, he left and never returned. Few people who visited the grounds to perform rituals told her that he died but she never knew for sure. She didn’t care either. There was so much to do in the God’s acre (that’s what her father used to call the place) that she never had time to rest. She kept the premises clean. “Shiva, the destroyer does what we do” is what her father taught her. She never knew how she looked and didn’t bother to groom herself. The small cabin that was built by her father in the corner of the ground was where she slept during the nights. She felt safe under it.

People always baffled her. She couldn’t understand how everybody seems to be good all the time. All that people say in their prayers are that the dead are the pure souls. She imagined the world to be a beautiful place where everybody is noble and honest like they say inside before lighting the pyre. If everybody is as noble as they say when they are dead, then the world must be a wonderful place indeed. But she was never curious enough to go and see it for herself. She was happy with what she has. It is her purpose she thought, to make sure the soul leaves the body in comfort. She was comfortable with death. But things were going to change:

A hot and humid day turned into a night when the skies were grey. The sounds of the thunder made her crawl into her cabin where she covered herself in the rags that she had. She was cold and the rain continued to pour down. She closed her eyes and imagined that the gods were angry about something. May be it was her. She offered prayers chanting verses to Shiva. The wind was harsh and took down mighty trees that had to surrender after a fight. She knew what fear was but she also knew that there was nothing to be afraid of. She understood death so much that life for her is nothing more than a flickering light in the wind. She closed her eyes tightly imagining Shiva dancing to the tunes of the thunder and that brought a smile on her face. She tried to focus on the sound of her own breathe and ignoring the chaos outside.

It was then the door opened and suddenly the sounds of the rain were unbearable. She opened her eyes and saw a dark figure walk into the room. It was a man who was soaked wet and was panting like an animal. It was as if the darkness behind him manifested itself into a person. She couldn’t see him clearly but stood up and walked towards him taking one step at a time. She could now feel the presence of another person in the room. It felt warmer. She was neither afraid nor confused, but was calm and stood right in front of him doing nothing but trying to look into his eyes. It was too dark. He then immediately closed the door behind him and caught her hand. It was years since she felt the touch of a human being. His hand was wet and cold. She felt the blood rushing inside her body. He then came closer and embraced her with all his might. She was lost. It was nothing like what she ever knew. The night became brutal. It was as if two of the greatest forces came face to face, like a storm hitting an old mountain with all its force and the mountain just stood there taking it, feeling it. What happened that night was a surreal painting, a symphony that marked the birth of life surrounded by nothing but death. It was natural…like death…like life… it was something that felt like it had to happen. It was a confluence that was meant to happen… of not just bodies but herself and the world around her. She fell in love with him and then she felt alive.

The next morning, she woke up to the sound of the birds singing; something that she never really paid attention to. She knew right away that the rain had stopped and the sun was out. But there was no sign of the man. For a moment she wondered if everything was just a dream but the warmth of his body she knew was very real. She ran out to see if he was still there but he wasn’t. The freshness of the sun brought a smile on to her face. She never knew she could smile. She looked at the blue sky and was awestruck by its sheer magnificence. She never knew she could feel the things that she was feeling now. She was born again in love. She could still feel the touch of his hand on her body and when she closed her eyes, she could see and feel the darkness that engulfed her. She wanted to be like this. She didn’t want her soul to leave her body because she was now afraid that she might not have what she has now. She found a purpose to live. She had a reason.

Seasons passed but he wasn’t back. Every time it rained, she went inside the cabin and crawled into the corner hoping that he would open the door from behind and enter the room. But he didn’t come. She began to feel lonely. Her daily chores seemed painful and death seemed frightening. She observed young widows crying and suddenly began to feel their pain. On some nights when it rained, she craved for the sound of his heavy breathe and the touch of his hand. All the new feelings were overwhelming to her. Her soul wasn’t in tune with her body. She was having fantasies, dreams where she was somewhere else. Some other place where wasn’t alone and where she was loved. She wanted to be loved. Her real life in the God’s acre seemed out of purpose and she was losing herself… the only thing she ever owned.

One summer night, when the sky was illuminated by stars and yet seemed dead because there was no moon; she overheard an old man talking to his mate about a maniac who attacked and abused several women in the area a few months back and how the villagers finally killed him by stoning him to death. He also spoke about how the man was later thrown into the river. She heard everything and the obvious struck her like a thunder. A part of her wanted to disagree with the truth. But she knew what she had to know. She was never going to see him again. She never saw him in the first place and that is what made it worse. She could never feel him again. The touch of his hand against her skin, the warmth that she felt even when she was drenched, and the newly found love on herself has vanished into thin air. The night felt darker.

He had no shape in her mind. Just a manifestation of thoughts, the thoughts that she never knew were present inside her. She felt lost, not defeated but lost. She didn’t find the answers to her questions and her mind didn’t stop asking. Neither was she able to find a reason nor did things seem natural. What had happened was definitely not fair. One thing she did understand is the irony of her world. Surrounded by death each and every day of her life, she began to realize the pain of loss for the first time in her life and that was just when she began to appreciate and cherish the exact opposite. There was no reason to continue, no purpose to fulfill, no destination to travel to, no person to love. She wanted to leave this world. It didn’t feel beautiful anymore.